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Ist poem
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Ist poem |
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Blademasta New Member
since 2004-09-08
Posts 4 |
Hey everyone! I'm a new registrant but ive been a ghostreader at these forums for a while and have been very impressed with the level of quality in both poetry and critique. So...I decided to join! Hopefully I can at least match the quality at some stage, but fot the meantime, here's my first piece: CHOICE Under blanched roofs lieth a lonely bed: His limbs are dead, his body hushéd still As morn-snow falleth slow on couchant grass: White dust born to nature’s vital flame kill. And there, beneath shelter of weathering dyes Beneath thick stretch of emasculate shade – There in the calmest of calms doth life seep With sluggish stride like crawling sunsets fade. How cold becom’th he! No blanket is there To shroud his shrivelled skin, no sheets to shield The pale-hued veins of frosted flesh; freely Do ice-streams roam these limp-skinned snowfields. Yet is there a blissful peace, for his joy Dwelleth not in memory of bodies borne, Nor in hope of future warmth; but in the Present ward of beings as yet unborn – Unknown to worldly scandal and cold scorn: Creatures of purest flame and perfect form, Fairy-like, invisible to all but that Chaste gaze that can’st with upheld pearls adorn. Never have they heard the whimpering whisps Of Winter’s wind, as snow upon her drapes; Touched the dwarfed flora of Lady Tundra, Tongued the hardened seeds of her frozen grapes... On one such does our pithy tale centre: Hitherto guarded below the fixed bed, Thou hast thrived with vim and vigour – radiant With seraphic glow in thine gloomy stead. But louder become the creaks of the bed’s Weary joints and thinner becomes his mane: The time approaches and has now come when Thou must thyself taste Winter’s icy rain. The moment of Choice. A sleeping dragon, She waketh with flaming rays of quandary, Wielding colossal power to unite Mankind or broaden his every boundary. Ice here, frost there, snow everywhere, but which Shall thy fire melt? Foreign, forsaken, Forlorn – like the naked diver of the Artic, thine swift path must now be taken. The cool gleam of moonlight on silken snow; The father’s eye: aurora borealis – These are but tattered laurels and trodd’n paths: Thou seek’st unworn crowns and unsoiled glories! So thou lingers, longer and longer still, Rev’lling in her bounteous wealth of outcomes, ‘Til, night-pale and frozen, thou drowneth in Those wide, wide oceans – Choice goeth as she comes. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Welcome to PIP and the CA forum. It's always good to hear a new voice. Be sure to check the forum guidelines and try to critique others. Enjoy yourself here. Meanwhile, your poem. I have a couple of suggestions. It is an ambitious first offering, probably too ambitious. I would start with something shorter. A longer poem tends to cause the writer to ramble and get off subject. This seems to be no exception. My second thought is the use of archaic language. Although it may sound "poetic", modern usage generally calls for more modern language. It can be fun and challenging (and even valid) to try what you have attempted here but it must be done with great care. You must maintain consistency throughout. All you have is a few thous, thines, 'st endings and some structural inversions. The rest of the language is modern. And, most of those devices are not properly done anyway. An unrelated problem is your meter, more specifically the lack of meter. You have done a pretty good job with your rhyme scheme but rhyming poetry usually works better when combined with meter. Not a requirement, mind you, but it is considerably more difficult to write as you have here and still produce a memorable work. Drop the artificial language and begin with shorter works. Keep to your primary subject matter. If you want to expand, give more detail on it rather than ramble. Finally, work in structure or free verse or both but be cautious of combining the two, at least until you are pretty accomplished. Of course, this is all just one uneducated opinion and the poem is yours. Take what you like and ignore the rest. Thanks for participating, Pete |
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Blademasta New Member
since 2004-09-08
Posts 4 |
No, thanks for the comments - i kinda saw the one on archaic lang. coming, but i've used pentameter throughout so i don't what you meant by the lack of structure..Can you elaborate? PS - feel free to be as critical as you like, I try not to put pride before quality. |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
welcome, your poem is very different than most that I'm used to. I agree that the archaic language doesn't work here. Also, after about the 7th stanza I wondered what you were trying to say. Seem to change ideas about then and lost me on what the point was. Structure wise I can't comment on because I'm really no expert on it. |
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jaxjoy Member
since 1999-12-14
Posts 112Texas |
Maybe I'm just weird, but I also useth  lol...archaic language at times in my poetry. For some reason, it just feels right and comes from the soul. I can't explain it, it just happens. I enjoyed your poem language and all. It feels like I just cozied up with a favorite book by a warming fire. I hope to have the opportunity to read more of your work. |
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~DreamChild~ Senior Member
since 2001-04-23
Posts 544in your dreams |
i'm not as technical as some, but i think the poem is just too darn long. that's all. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Welcome, although belated, to Passions... I enjoyed the length [I'm a lengthy one myself, at times..., even sectional at times, Parts 1, 2, etc.] however, there were a few places that, as I read the poem aloud, my tongue tripped over...whether it was the archaic word [which I love, but every word has its place] or the fact that it was "not necessary" perhaps, as you splayed out the footage of the story... But a grand first effort it was. I'm sure you've done more, I've just got to go hunt for you now! Again, a belated welcome! |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
You could actually make about three or four unrelated poems from this. But, that still wouldn't address the basic problem, Pete pointed out, about this lacking structure. And if you need him to explain that to you, then you really are not ready for such an ambitious project. Your poem doesn’t really take the reader anywhere. I'm sure you had some fanciful idea of conveying mythological ideas in a classical language. But, as was inferred, a few "thees, thous and 'eths," just won't do it. It is still a tedious read and inconsistent at that. Further: No, I'm afraid you haven't "used pentameter throughout." There are many lines in the piece that scan as tetrameter and some as hexameter. Only by contorting the accents could you call some of these same lines pentameter, and even so, the cadence is not a consistently smooth one, as there are many unecessary, "fillers" throughout that will always upset the flow. One could do a Line by Line on this. But until you know enough to at least address some of the basic problems that have already been pointed out, it just wouldn't be useful. Sid If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria My poetry forum. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I have used archaic language, though only in sonnets. It is difficult to choose the correct language and form to make it a smooth read. I can see you have the beginnings of how to use this type of language, but the poem needs some refinement, especially in meter. Keep working at it. warmhrt "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Ringo 
since 2003-02-20
Posts 3684Saluting with misty eyes |
I would have to agree with everyone else.. I lost interest shortly into your work. I thought it showed some promise, and I look forward to reading more of your thoughts... perhaps just a bit shorter. Welcome to the family... I hope your stay is very long and rewarding. When all is said All is done Still I live And carry on- Quiet Riot |
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CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa Member
since 2003-07-16
Posts 248 |
Although I'm obviously late with this, Welcome to Piptalk! I agree with the others, this is long, and it took me awhile to get through the language, but I enjoyed it all the same. I think you have a really good story here, just that the way you told it wasn't incredibly nice to readers. I think it was definitely an admirable 1st post, and I hope to see more from you. <3kerR I might have messy hair, runny makeup and a tear-steaked face, but at least I know I have loved. |
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