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Critical Analysis #2
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peaceful_dreamer
Member
since 2003-04-25
Posts 159
SoMeWhErE oVeR tHe RaInBoW

0 posted 2004-07-17 02:19 AM



sitting up high on the grassy hill,
just sitting in silence, troubled by
thoughts. A warm breeze pushes
me gently toward the tree trunk
i'm sitting by. warning me not to
think any harder 'cause it's
really not worth it.

i find a flower in my hand,
i'm allergic, so i put it down
in the fresh spring
grass. the flower dissapears into
the ground, and vines start to
entwine my wrist. the
winds carry me away.

the hill is left in silence,
i'm watching it from a better
place. silence has surrounded
me, my old heart has found
peace at
last.

"I'm just me, trapped in a body."

-peaceful_dreamer

© Copyright 2004 Jennifer Pederson - All Rights Reserved
hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
1 posted 2004-07-28 02:31 AM


There are some interesting lines, but this poem seems to suffer a little bit from a lack of direction.


'troubled by
thoughts'

Thoughts of what? Or is thinking in general that troubling?

'A warm breeze pushes
me gently toward the tree trunk
i'm sitting by. warning me not to
think any harder'

Is the breeze trying to put you to sleep? That's the only logical way I can see it doing what it's doing.

'i find a flower in my hand,
i'm allergic, so i put it down'

I personally find this the most interesting part... the idea of just randomly finding something there, in your hand, something bad for you, and the wistfullness with which you wrote these lines works really well. I would probably use a period after the first line instead of a comma, though.

'the flower dissapears into
the ground, and vines start to
entwine my wrist. the
winds carry me away.'

This seems to be a conflict of imagery. How can you be both tied down and carried away at once?

'i'm watching it from a better
place. silence has surrounded
me, my old heart has found
peace at
last.'

Did the narrator die?

I hope my questions will help you better guide and focus this so it can be more clear and focused for other readers. Hope I've helped.

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