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Critical Analysis #2
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A Place
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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A Place |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133
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There is a place where I can go. A doorway in the night Beside the rose and noble pine With voice to find and write. Of said before and will again There's much that's left and what... Like how the rose knows where we'll touch And pokes before it's cut. Or pine when chopped give way to wind. Turned frame that holds in glass. It's all that's left of what it was, Or is its cones its mass? The roses wilt and pines, they fall But all is not forgot. There is a voice to carry on, To be the voice they're not. There is a place where I can go. A doorway in the night Beside the rose and noble pine With voice to find and write... I bloomed before and will again The buds in life are free The tears you shead while in your hand A dying rose of hope I'll be There is a place where I can go. A doorway in the night Beside the rose and noble pine With voice to find and write... I stood and served the man with good. With test of time to brave. He breathed the air I sent to him My life I freely gave. There is a place where I can go. A doorway in the night Beside the rose and noble pine With voice to find and write. Always Lisa copyright June 28, 2004 |
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| © Copyright 2004 Always Lisa - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Lisa, I have no critique for this...only my thank you for sharing such a lovely poem...I enjoyed the repetition - it falls in just the right spots...and the imagery was just enough to make me smell the pine, and feel the prick of thorn... Thank you! |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
It really was a pleasure to read. Nice rhymes and meter. It flowed very well. Besides all that, it was just plain pleasant content. Now with all that, I do have a few little nits. S2L1 starts off with "Of." The content looks like it should have been "I've" instead. S3 appears to have some verb conjugation problems. In L1, should it be gives instead of give? And in L4, should it be are instead of is? If not both of these then I am confused as to your meaning. In S6, shed instead of shead. Then L4 has an extra foot. The rest of the poem you have maintained a perfect 4-3-4-3 ballad format and that one line really jumps out as a speed bump. I think you could drop dying and not lose a thing. Only other comment is I felt the repetition was just a little much. I think I would drop one of those embedded stanzas, if not both. I really do like the echo at the end though. JMHO, Pete |
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