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Critical Analysis #2
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edwreck02
Junior Member
since 2003-08-08
Posts 24
Florida

0 posted 2004-06-28 02:01 PM


Blind

Its like falling from an endless sky
this reality we live, dejection why can not deny
with souls swimming in and endless drowning pool
its funny, we try and sit back and figure who’s the real fool
every one seeks the lime light, everyone seeks recognition
there souls they’d sell for a name in fame
yet you know what shame this brings
the feeling for something better


you’ll see them all try
you’ll see them all cry
but in there desperate attempts
there souls  have all died

So why do all wish for a righteous life
material recognition enslaves the many
A distorted fulfillment, captures there eyes
Only the fallen, can we hear cry
for the rest are still blinded
the trap lies open, for those that come
half dead inside, in the end they’re all  left numb

you’ll see them all try
you’ll see them all cry
but in there desperate attempts
there souls have all died


© Copyright 2004 Eduardo Sanders - All Rights Reserved
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 2004-07-03 05:49 PM


Either concentrate on the perils of shooting for recognition, or the difficulty in not, but attempting to have it both ways just comes off as self-righteous.

More concrete detail.


hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
2 posted 2004-07-06 01:11 AM


Yeah, what Brad said.

'everyone seeks recognition'

Well, first of all, that's arguable, but you state it as a fact and then use that 'fact' as the basis of your rant. Maybe if you explored the reasons people seek recognition (which isn't necessarily the same as fame) this would flesh out into something more substantial that you just complaining.

Btw, try 'their' instead of 'there.'

Hope I've helped.

Endlessecho
Member
since 2003-09-05
Posts 398
I live within myself
3 posted 2004-07-06 11:24 AM


You had some spelling and grammer errors:


"this reality we live, dejection why can not deny"

I think you're missing a word in here. This isn't flowing.

"with souls swimming in and endless drowning pool"

In this line "and" should be "an"

And also there should be their.



Kellie_Cantrell
Senior Member
since 2002-05-22
Posts 1667
New York
4 posted 2004-07-08 02:49 AM


I agree with the others. It is very good. I noticed a few grammar errors. Those have already been outlined for you. I liked the meaning that your poem conveys. Good Job

                   Love,
             xXx~*KELLIE*~xXx
Graduation : January 29th 2004

edwreck02
Junior Member
since 2003-08-08
Posts 24
Florida
5 posted 2004-07-08 11:09 AM


thanks for all of your help, I often dont check grammar Im horrible at that
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