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Critical Analysis #2
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River
Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627
my own little world

0 posted 2004-06-16 07:25 PM



Self mutilation of will
hold my pain in a metal box
tie it down and watch it glow
spill the rain on shards of sand
fill this mind with regrets of tomorrow
shaking, burning
hold my hand
feel the ashes falling down
through my winter weathered hair
I sink beneath the sea and drown
slowly breath the dimming air
clouds fall out of a pale black sky
and stars sing haunting melodies
as they fade behind
myths of drows and black fairies

swimming through my false reality
I surface in a fog
yet another world inside of me
yet another dimension of sadness
lost through endless spaces of time
because in this place of worry
time is history and gone
shadowed by thoughts of being near
ever near the passion of you
if only I can gaze into your eyes
hear the beat of another heart
and pray it never dies

do you want to know me?
do you care about these things
that cage me up and set me free?
do you want to know me?
I want to know you
open your heart and let me inside

© Copyright 2004 Bonnie Sue Bixler - All Rights Reserved
Fagin
Member
since 2004-05-07
Posts 126
Ca
1 posted 2004-06-22 09:00 PM


Nice imagery I could easily turn this into a Progressive Rock/Metal song Well done I would change the font colour tho..

Fagin

River
Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627
my own little world
2 posted 2004-06-23 06:23 PM


ack, I TRIED, I hate pink *points finger at throat*
uhh, anyways, thanks for the compliment. Rock and Metal are kindove my thing too, so kool =)


Running out of pain

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
3 posted 2004-07-04 05:52 PM


quote:
spill the rain on shards of sand


Write a new poem using this line. Also, try to write in sentences.


River
Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627
my own little world
4 posted 2004-07-04 08:53 PM


uhh...right...ok. thanks for the reply.
hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
5 posted 2004-07-06 01:17 AM


'shaking, burning
hold my hand
feel the ashes falling down
through my winter weathered hair'

I thought these were the best lines of the poem. I think you have some neat images, but they are muddled in with some typical angst-filled cliches like 'regrets of tomorrow' and repetitious use of the word black, etc. I think it has definite potential, but would definitely do with some revising and rewording to smooth things over, and you could probably cut some extraneous stuff.

Hope I've helped.

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