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Critical Analysis #2
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it's short, I promise
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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it's short, I promise |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
bright cherry and the firm draw of a purse we kill ourselves with this curse |
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| © Copyright 2004 hush - All Rights Reserved | |||
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
enigmatic. size certainly doesn't matter here. that first line is almost too sensuous to even figure on this board. i keep imagining one of those purses that you have to unclick (as in old-fashioned but coming back in fashion at the moment). i have a few hypothesis as to what the curse is, but they're probably wrong. a clue please! |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
I can't help seeing the salacious undertones in this. Hey, I'm a man--whatdya expect!? Sid @ ]www.cynicsRus.com If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICS My poetry forum. My poetry |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I didn't mean a purse in the sense of a handbag, but rather a purse of the lips... I guess there's no obvious way to tell that, but does that help clear up what the curse is at all? I was wondering if anyone would figure it out, I know I was being kind of vague. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Smiling at you, hush... I find this to be extremely interesting... in several ways. |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
ya-ha, well both the lips and the purse/handbag senses were there, i just assumed it was the latter, because of the money/wealth/greed connotations associated with a money purse (possibly). now that you say it is lips, i'm wondering if "the firm draw of a purse" is a definite lip closing, and so the curse could be convention, false ingenue attitudes etc. if by draw, you mean attraction, as in a firm magnet towards these lips, then i start wondering whether this poem shouldn't be on the mature boards  . It feels certainly as if its saying sex/lust and impossibilties of matching up with someone we like are the curse. I don't know.I think i'm on the wrong track. Would love you to tell me. I don't think not getting it is a bad thing, it makes the poem all the more tantalizing. |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
hush, it is a striking image, the first line... but on the whole, I feel the write is far too brief for simplistic brains like mine to understand.... maybe this could have been expanded into 4 lines and would have made more sense to me... but, for the 'less is more' writers, this would be an excellent piece of writing... regards sudhir |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
bright cherry and pursed we kill ourselves, accursed |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
gourmand, you know I love your writing but... I was hoping for more input than just the rewrite (read the crituqe flag  ) Why do you think it's better that way?Oh... and Blech! at accursed... that word makes me feel like I'm fluttering off to gothy-vampire-poetry-land... Anyway, I guess I just made this too vague- yes, I was going for less-is-more (obviously)... but it's about smoking. The firm draw of the purse (pursed lips) is the inhale- and of course, now the bright cherry should make sense. Although the sexual innuendo isn't entirely coincidental- I think the word cherry is obviously very strong in this sense, and I chose it for its double meaning... I actually think it's kind of a nasty word, when you think of 'popping' one's cherry (is that too explicit for open forums? Sorry, if so.) but somehow it fits exactly what I wanted to convey... an appeal, but a trashy, unhealthy appeal... People like smoking the way they like whores... a cheap, easy thrill, an unhealthy habit. |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
wow, i really didn't see the smoking imagery. maybe some word as a clue, that suggests smoke in some way would be helpful, or a title that does that. i see it now, but i wouldn't have otherwise. fantastic write/thoughts. thanks for sharing |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: Now, see? That's the first thing that came to this man's mind. The double meaning is obvious, but it doesn't necessarily lean toward the "trashy" end--it's just an honest woman's perspective. Sid @ ]www.cynicsRus.com] If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICS My poetry forum. My poetry. [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (06-09-2004 10:27 AM).] |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Didn't think of it so much as a rewrite as a suggestion. But I was thinking more like cherry red lipstick, and someone dying of unrequited love, being cursed by a sneer. So I was way out in left field in any case. Still, I admit I probably never even glance at the critiquing guidelines, sorry. If you want this minimalist imagery, i think the rewrite needs to be focused on the title to get us near the intended point. The Inhale Inhalation something to get us pointed in a general direction. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Now See? And here my mind was going in a whole other direction....  |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Amy: I guess I'm just missing the tension. The habit is satisfying now and the possibility of being killed by the habit is not immediate enough to change the behavior. I think this might be the gist of what you're going for, but I think the poem is weak in conveying why smoker is taking another draw. I guess this one struct a chord with me because I just read an article concerning a UK official who said something to the effect that smoking is one of the few pleasures available to the poor. Another way of looking at it is that since life is so miserable for the poor now, of what consequence is a few years shaved off of a life with few fulfilling prospects? I don't agree with this, but I think there is a reason why people choose to smoke - eventually it becomes habitual, but it still serves a purpose. Your poem might benefit from exploring this further. Just an opinion. Jim |
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Corinne Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167state of confusion |
Hi Hush, My take on this is that the purse represents the female genitalia (and...the curse) heh. Well, that's what I saw! Corinne |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Jim- I'm not sure if you know this, but my mom lives in a nursing home right now, due to a serious back injury she got while falling under the influed of about ten times her dose of oxycontin. Not the subject here, but it does lead to her other big addiction... smoking. You see, my mom's only 42, but I've seen her on a ventilator several times as a direct result from her smoking... it's really a simple and direct correlation. When she smokes, whe gets pneumonia, and when she quits- however temporary that may be- she doesn't. The last time she was smoking, she ended up in the hospital, and I walked out after visiting her one night quite thoroughly convinced that I would be getting a call in the next 6 hours from a doctor telling me that he was sorry, and they did all they could... she ended up on a vent for about a week. I don't know if you've ever seen someone on a vent, or for that matter, if you've ever seen someone with their lips blackened from encrusted blood and gasping for breath, telling you they are so tired that they're ready to just give up, that they can't make it through the night... but it's pretty harrowing. Even moreso when it's your mother, when she is in that position directly by her own hand, and when this has been happenning for years. No, I know there's no way you could know that this is my personal experience from this particular poem... but anyone who's seen someone die of lung cancer (I've seen that, too), or pneumonia, or seen someone struggling with emphysema take an oxyen cannula off long enough to drag on a smoke and then place it back on for lack of air... Jim, anyone who's seen that will see the tension of the situation. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Amy: I meant no offense. I was, however, moved more by your explanation than by your poem. I could have easily written: "wide eyes and the tight line of a purse his mind imprisoned by this curse." If you've never encountered a young person with developmental apraxia of speech, you may not be able to picture the frustration in the face of a 5-year-old trying to sound out even the first letter of "cookie." What I think your poem, and my version of it, both need are more anchors to the experiences that make the poem so personally meaningful. This doesn't mean it can't be concise ... I simply think it means (to me) that blood stained lips drawing another puff from a cigarette shouldn't be confused with genitalia by the majority of serious readers. I do empathize with your personal situation - seeing a loved one suffer is something I wish none of us had to experience. Jim |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Jim, I understand you didn't mean any offense- my response was spur of the moment... I can understand not seeing the tension of the poem (Because you're right, if everyone thinks it's about something else, it needs work) but I interpreted your response as "well, so what if people smoke?" and to me that's the equivalent of me saying to you "so what if there are children with developmental problems in the world?" It's just that it is a big deal, and a lot of people don't understand that. As to the poem, well... didn't quite work out how I wanted it to. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I can see how you read that out of my statement ... that wasn't my intent. I personally would have no problem with smoking if it were safe, but we both know it isn't. I too know what it can do to people. I hope you attempt a rewrite ... I think you have much to express on the issue and look forward to reading. Jim |
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