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The Strongbox.
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Strongbox. |
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NIK New Member
since 2004-05-07
Posts 3 |
THE STRONGBOX There is a strongbox in my heart, Impeccably concealed, Down labyrinth maze and cunning path, Through portals safely sealed; And rarely do I visit there, lest circumstance dictate, For there safe stored in secret files, In all their pristine state, Is every mote of Grief and Pain, Fear, Despair and Hate, Concealed, preserved and locked away, For future contemplate. From childhood days, the records stretch, To days most recent past, All safe interred, deep in my heart Until I breathe my last; For t’is the way I’ve found to deal with life’s untimely blows, Roll with the pain, don’t flinch, don’t feel, And life continually flows. But some days, when my mood dictates, I sit and reach within, And gently touch some tragic loss, Some grief, despair or sin; Then freely flows the bitter tears Unchecked, unfettered gall, For childish hurt, for loved ones lost, For me, for you, for all. |
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| © Copyright 2004 NIK - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Nik. Welcome to CA. Pretty nice first post here. I usually don't have much critique for a first post but this one caught my eye and I just can't help it. First, I'm guessing you were aiming at a ballad form. I'm also guessing the word processor ate some newlines. So we clean it up by adding a couple of line breaks then work on a couple of metric stumbling blocks. The line numbers below refer to the lines as the poem appears above, not the numbers after adding the suggested line breaks. 1. Remove maze from S1-L3 as the extra syllable throws the meter off. 2. Break S1-L5 after the first comma. 3. Reorder a couple of words in S1-L6 to: "For safe there stored..." to get the stresses in the right order. 4. In S1-L8 change is to are to agree with the plural in the following lines. 5. Add to S1-L9 thus: "Of Fear, Despair..." again to make the meter right. 6. It rarely works to use a verb for a noun. Change S1-L11 to: "To later contemplate." 7. In S2-L3, change "deep in my heart" to "within my heart" to get the stresses right. 8. Break S2-L5 after deal. 9. In S2-L7, continually really has too many syllables. Are better sounding word should be substituted. 10. After working on the above suggestions, some of the punctuation could probably stand some minor adjustment. Keep in mind, this is all just one opinion and it is your poem. So accept what you like and feel free to ignore what you do not. Pete |
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NIK New Member
since 2004-05-07
Posts 3 |
Hi Pete, Thanks for taking the time to read my poem and for the helpful pointers. Much appreciated. NIK |
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