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Critical Analysis #2
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Halcyon
Junior Member
since 2003-04-10
Posts 43
Arizona, USA

0 posted 2004-05-20 02:49 AM


Here I know what ye know not
How nature's once living turn
To crumbling creatures of humbled rot
And in forests ablaze they burn.

Then do these moments come
When existence brings endless doubt,
And the virtue of change unknown to some
Intercedes-- from nothing life will sprout.

-=-=-=-=-
An experiment with ABAB rhyme scheme.  There's something that just doesn't seem right to bring out the theme and tone of the poem.  However, I can't quite put my finger on it.. perhaps it's in the word choice or punctuation, I don't know.

© Copyright 2004 Marc Afan - All Rights Reserved
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
1 posted 2004-05-20 09:24 AM


The main problem here is the meter. The rhyme is all right. Rhyming poetry usually works better when accompanied by consistent meter. Fix that and I think it will improve a lot.

JMHO
Pete

Endlessecho
Member
since 2003-09-05
Posts 398
I live within myself
2 posted 2004-05-20 02:39 PM


My thoughts exactly.  With a little touch up of meter, this is a really good poem.  

(i've been working on this myself

Halcyon
Junior Member
since 2003-04-10
Posts 43
Arizona, USA
3 posted 2004-05-20 06:40 PM


Ah, ok. Thanks.
Endlessecho
Member
since 2003-09-05
Posts 398
I live within myself
4 posted 2004-05-21 11:08 AM


Ok.  I'll probably be corrected since I'm just learning what meter is all about myself.  But meter is syllable count.  If you make a matching syllable count in your rhymes, it will have a better rhythm along with your ABAB rhyme scheme.  

Jess

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
5 posted 2004-05-21 03:12 PM


It's more than syllable count. The stresses also have to be in the right places. More later if necessary.

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