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Critical Analysis #2
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IndigoEve
Member
since 2003-01-10
Posts 279
Etched in the illusion of time

0 posted 2004-05-12 05:23 PM


They see you
shiver under the guise of painful facades
averting eyes masterfully
unless blue meets sinfully a rush of curve,
and she is found,
in hidden little ecstasies
brooding from lust

They see you
blush, turn your head quickly, keep
your gaze where
others perceive it.
Don't let it trail a line, a fiery
smooth, supple, creamy eyeful
...society prohibits it.

They see you
hide
your fantasies; she is the sun
in center of your galaxy,
gravity, an inertia, pulling you
away.

Careful! Mind how far your gaze
travels
up the darkness, past the hem of
her skirt.

They see you
woman's delicate fingers, and all
tracing perfect symmetry along sumptuous
thighs, like milk cream and
flowery perfume.
They see you
behind doors, beneath covers,
inside each other's mouths.

They see you
but do not think it beautiful
as female betroths female
by a tenuous
flick
of tongue.

If I were to touch you, would you bleed a velvet river, running miracles through the sodden ground? --Moi

© Copyright 2004 Imbued - All Rights Reserved
Mysteria
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Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
1 posted 2004-10-18 12:30 PM


There isn't any way I could ever critque this, but I couldn't read it three times and not tell you just how incredibly gifted I think you are.  You approached the subject with such ease, class, and conviction, and it looked perfect to me, but then all your poems do.  
longte
Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199
Australia
2 posted 2005-04-07 11:13 PM


Very Nice
Sensual

Live It

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
3 posted 2005-04-08 10:20 AM


Steamy! Good job treating a rather touchy subject. Writing can be enjoyed even by those who do not relate to the subject matter.

Italy Angel
Member
since 2003-09-01
Posts 65
Northern Ca
4 posted 2005-04-18 12:36 PM


Hiya!

This is a beautiful poem. Your word play and presentation are stunning. I love the opening lines and how well you are with imagery.

I really only have two suggestions. I would alter the line breaks a bit for a better flow and perhaps put 'they see you' in italics and seperate from the strophes? Just my two cents. Brava.

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