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rainydaymusic
Junior Member
since 2004-01-14
Posts 26


0 posted 2004-04-22 01:07 AM


I feel pretty strongly about this poem, was wondering if anyone had any insight as to what it could use, needs..etc.

WELL, HONESTLY

I want to touch you and although
I would not,
well that is on the account
my hands would
shake so obviously
and, you
you would already be
on to me.
Man, you'd laugh and move away,
thinking I was joking,
a silly girl.
This is me. And I would
laugh too.
But I would
touch your face;
I'd do it cause I feel it
so bad sometimes.
I want to touch you and although
I would not,
sometimes I give in
and go for the shoulder.


© Copyright 2004 rainydaymusic - All Rights Reserved
j0n4th4n
Member
since 2003-03-11
Posts 94

1 posted 2004-04-22 03:28 PM


hahahaha!! i love this! so free, your style, and delicate. and funny at the end.
j0n4th4n
Member
since 2003-03-11
Posts 94

2 posted 2004-04-22 03:31 PM


oh yeah, sorry, i didnt offer any 'constructive' criticism..

i think you juzst need to polish it a bit, the grammar, and make sure that the poem is set out just as you want it. line breaks make such a difference sometimes to the feeling.
actually, this is quite general. im not sure if it applies to this poem so much.

oh well.. >

forne_marin
Member
since 2004-04-13
Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina
3 posted 2004-04-23 09:35 AM


Oh, I like it. I like it a LOT. The structure could use a little polishing, and the rhythm could use a little smoothing out, but your images are extremely vivid and it is a very moving poem. The speaker is easy to identify with and very sympathetic. I enjoyed it very very much.

Now, as for a critical review:

In line 1, I'd replace the "and" with a pair of dashes, and move "although" to the next line. It makes both lines about the same length, and I don't think the "and" really helps you any.

For line 3, I think the "well" is hurting you. I would change the entire line to "that is because"--but that's just personal preferance.

In lines 6 & 7, I loved the fact you repeated the word "you". That was a great way of demonstrating the mindset of the speaker.

In line 9, you need to drop the word "man". It's trite and unneccisary.

Line 11, I'd drop the "a" and put the rest of the line in quotes, as if the target of the affection were saying "silly girl" instead of the speaker. I think that'd give it a little more power.

In lines 16 & 17, the speaker says that they "feel it so bad sometimes". This line is unclear. What is it that she feels. Does she feel his face--that's what makes the most sense given the context of the poem, but I don't think that's what you mean. I think you mean you feel love, pain, need, etc. If I'm right, then you need to somehow rephrase that line.

In line 18, I like the "and". I know you're gonig for parallel structure, making the top look like the bottom, but I think that subtle difference won't change the feel the parallel structure gives you. Also, I'd move the "and although" to the beginning of line 19.

The last few lines are beautiful, and allow us to really see the speaker. They show so much humanity and so much painful beauty.

All and all, I really loved the piece. The changes I've suggested are largely cosmetic and purely my opinion. Take them as you will.

I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry.

Michelle_loves_Mike
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2003-12-20
Posts 1189
Pennsylvania
4 posted 2004-04-23 10:49 AM


grammer aside,,,,is fun, light, and a place we've all been,,,

Michelle

I wish all could find the true happiness I have found,,in the eyes of Mike

rainydaymusic
Junior Member
since 2004-01-14
Posts 26

5 posted 2004-04-23 11:50 PM


thanks for the (very kind) responses.  I understand what you mean forne when you say that "I feel it so bad sometimes" is unclear.. I was thinking about that.. I was thinking of changing feel to "want".. I wonder about the dashes though in the first part.. I re-read it, listening to how the dashes would sound, but I'm afraid of using them.  That's the thing about college writing (and writing in general)- they want to beat this habit out of you.  It's a really a cruel habit that it took me a while to get rid of using those in sentences.

I wonder about grammar too.. I've read that critique a few times of my work.  I think my problem is that I do not have all the rules memorized.. I just punctuate by hearing.

hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
6 posted 2004-04-24 10:07 AM


Don't be scared of dashes. They're fun. Plus, it's poetry, not an essay.  

I liked this- stylistically, the casual, conversational wording you chose, and especially that going for the shoulder bit. (I've been there... but haven't we all? I think it's part of the appeal.)

forne_marin
Member
since 2004-04-13
Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina
7 posted 2004-04-24 11:29 AM


Dashes are a type of punctuation. They are in the textbooks. They may be overused and those "in the know" my discourage their use, but they are not "incorrect". Dashes indicate a break in the current stream of thought. Usually they are only used in the context of convesation or 'dialog'. Dashes indicate that the speaker got halfway through a sentance and suddenly shifts subject matter. As long as you use them correctly, there is nothing wrong with using them.

I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry.

jwesley
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563
Spring, Texas
8 posted 2004-04-25 05:30 PM


Hi there, haven't come in here very often
but here's my take on your nice piece called "Well, Honestly". Sorry it's not a line by line, word by word type of thing, but I'm sure you'll get the idea.

WELL, HONESTLY

I want to touch you and although
I would not,
well that is on the account
my hands would
shake so obviously
and, you
you would already be
on to me.
Man, you'd laugh and move away,
thinking I was joking,
a silly girl.
This is me. And I would
laugh too.
But I would
touch your face;
I'd do it cause I feel it
so bad sometimes.
I want to touch you and although
I would not,
sometimes I give in
and go for the shoulder.

----------------------

I want to touch you,
but would not,
because my hands would shake so obviously,
and you,
you would already be on to me.
You’d laugh and move away
thinking I was joking,
I was just a silly girl,
although this is me,
and I would laugh too.
I’d touch your face
because sometimes
I feel and want it so bad,
and I'd want to touch you,
but would not,
though sometimes I give in
and go for the shoulder.
Sometimes . . .  I give in.


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