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Critical Analysis #2
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Sinceless Dribbles
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Sinceless Dribbles |
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forne_marin Member
since 2004-04-13
Posts 140Spartanburg, South Carolina 
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Okay, fyi, beefor I start, let me preface. The misspellings are on perpuss. SINCELESS DRIBBLES Sinceless Dribbles From a poet's pen Often end in rhyme. Yet, how oft Do they make since Hear in this day and thyme? Words that talk Of luv and joy And bliss uv true romance Forget that love Is mostly work In blissful circumstance. This wasn't what I mint to say But somehow it came out. Only know I'm dizzy still Forgive me for this rout. You have terned me Topsy-turvy My words, they all collide. It makes it seem My doubting schemes Have all found suicide. You have filled me Bottom to top With dreams of strange invention. It seems as if My words were filled With streams of intuition. Four rarely do aye Find the thyme For silly inspiration, But seeing you Flow so smooth Has cause alliteration. But now I'm back To dribbles again And it has me bothered. I wanted truth To honest be Instead, a gloop it's fathered. A silly verse So trite--that's worse Than all the mushy songs That radio plays On dreary days When you're alone so long. So, forced, I sit And ponder you Although I've no clue why Except, perhaps I love you so You've taught my heart to fly. And yes, it's mush Perchance it's just? Still it must sound trite When all my words Come out as rime. You know, I think it's spite. Because the harder I work to be A serious learn'ed poet, The more my words They turn to mush-- Before I even know it. ------------------------------------------- I'd really like some feedback on the rhythm and the meter of the piece. I've got some trouble lines in it, and I know it, and I'd love some suggestions on how to modify them and clean up the rhythm a bit. Thanks!! |
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| © Copyright 2004 Jonathan Long - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Effigy Member
since 2000-04-11
Posts 486disbelief |
I liked it. There are, however, some spots that need a little work. I'll think about it and let you know what I come up with. Funny poem though. |
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MGROVES
since 2004-02-01
Posts 3802california |
i loved it, i think it flows pretty good even the misspellings didn't stop the motion of your emotions mush  |
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Effigy Member
since 2000-04-11
Posts 486disbelief |
Wow, forne, some one around here loves it. Do you believe that? Well I think, just to keep you from getting a big head, too soon after starting up your little PIP account, I'll tell you it stunk. The rhyme was all wrong and the meter was just atrocious. You know, I'm not one to play the Devil's advocate but I've read better on bathroom walls. Just kidding muppet. I had to strike first, you know how it is. |
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forne_marin Member
since 2004-04-13
Posts 140Spartanburg, South Carolina |
Hmmm... apparently someone hasn't been paying attention. Check the number of posts I have, hombre. Where do you think they all came from? I've got them all in one big bundle, and I'm planning on emailing them to you in one big bundle, but if you'll go through your archives, you'll see many of them suddenly have a new post in the forum. Enjoy. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, I thought the idea was interesting, the rhyme and meter actually good. Though pprobably never intended to be a literary masterpiece, nothing wrong with that by the way, it still flows well and just leaves me with a nice feeling. I'm not sure the misspellings really contribute. I think the point would have been made just as well without it. Then you would not have had to explain up front either. Yes, the meter is somewhat inconsistent. But I don't really find that distracting, particularly considering the nature of the poem. Instead, it seems to me that some of that helps avoid what otherwise could leave a sing-songy impression. There are, of course, a few things I would change but I'm not sure that is necessary with this one. Please advise if you really want to perk it up a bit. Pete |
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A B S T R A C T Junior Member
since 2003-12-31
Posts 27-=NYC=- |
I have to agree with Effigy, although not as harshly. I keep reading it over and I don't really see any particular "saprk" that interests me or strikes me in any way. It's boring and does not really give me a picture about what you're writing. Just my opinion. |
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