»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Denials
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Denials |
|
|
ChemicalRepose Member
since 2004-03-28
Posts 102 |
My screams release, from beneath this cavern. Surrounding mountains, deceiving, my eyes fill with passion, but I can't sit here alone, not for too long. Kneeling, silent, broken, and vibrant, waiting for this sky to fall, to fill this chasm, So I can cross, and be reborn. I'm weak, and survive only because you tell me to. I can feel your presence, landing in my thoughts. I've been drained, so feed me some more silence. I am too weak and scared to find solace without you, and I am prepared to follow you. God won't you silence me, and eliminate these dissident thoughts, they keep stalking me. Speak, and free my defiance, open and consume my suspicion. Feed my weak, diseased beliefs. Thoughts are broken now, and I'm choking on my competence and waiting for your guidance. Don't let your light miss me Let me concede, these beliefs I need. As I plant this seed, to grow, you lead, and relieve me, their masquerade? I believe. |
||
| © Copyright 2004 Ben - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
'Kneeling, silent, broken, and vibrant' Somehow, this seems like one of those IQ test questions... which one is least like the others? (Psst... the answer is 'vibrant.') It just doesn't seem to go with the tone and words you had already selected. You also contradict yourself, describing the narrator as silent, then saying 'God won't you silence me'- what is it, are you silent or making noise? I understand that you may have meant a verbal silence with the former, and an emotional and spiritual silence with the latter, but it's just my inference. Show us what you really mean. And definitely watch the repetition. You us so many words over and over it becomes, well, overkill. Hope I've helped. |
||
|
cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Regarding the overall premise: Reading it is very much like witnessing the “Phoenix” rising from the ashes. The only difference is that its appearance is more like an Ostrich, an Emu, a Dodo…or some other flightless bird. Being much too cliché heavy to ever take wing. Furthermore, many of your metaphors don’t even make sense. i.e., from beneath this cavern. I've been drained, so feed me some more silence.; Feed my weak, diseased beliefs. I'm choking on my competence As I plant this seed, to grow, you lead, and relieve me, their masquerade? I believe. Your stanzas—and I use the term loosely—seem haphazardly strung together. I would suggest a little more forethought in this area. Consider a bit more symmetry in their development. The only strong line—partial line really—in this entire piece, would be: “Kneeling…waiting for this sky to fall,” And it’s not even all that strong.
|
||
|
Katy Rose Junior Member
since 2003-11-25
Posts 13 |
I think the idea of what you're trying to communicate here is interesting and worthwhile but your style is heavyhanded and lets you down. I have to agree with previous comments and say that the repetition doesn't really work for me but i like the way in which the poem presents one side of a presumably unanswered conversation. I would look at cutting this down significantly and working on using more specific images rather than purely descriptive words. Just my opinion though :-) |
||
|
ChemicalRepose Member
since 2004-03-28
Posts 102 |
I'd like to thank all of you who introduced new foresight to me. I've never really posted anything I've written, at least not for it to be criticized. Are any of you who replied "professionals" in the poetry field? The first time I ever showed anyone my writings was only a couple of weeks ago, and most people enjoyed them. I love to write and let people see my views on reality, and I would love to learn how to get better at it. I'm in college and have taken English 1 and 2, and plan on taking other classes, if anyone knows of any good classes to take let me know. Thank you once again, and have a good day. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
