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Experimenting with Rhyme
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Experimenting with Rhyme |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania 
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Experimenting with Rhyme (and a few thoughts) I don’t refute the piper’s lute Nor do I chide a nation’s gift To poverty beyond its rift Though many times the hand’s outstretched So distantly from misery That it would kindly lay The whole of freshly slaughtered prey In open fields where predators are deep entrenched A vulture tastes of other’s waste And rips the fresh of flesh and blood And leaves a carcass in the mud And these, the meager bones of charity Are what remain to now sustain A thousand plus a thousand cries From mouths engraved in southern skies In constellations never seen with clarity Elizabeth Santos |
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| © Copyright 2004 Elizabeth Santos - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I like what you have done here, Liz. The metaphors are excellent with a uniquely painted scene of the welfare system (at least in my eye). I like the rhyme scheme also - two quatrains strung together with a a-b-b-c-d-e-e-c rhyme scheme and, for good measure, you have included internal rhymes in lines 1 and 5 of each stanza...very cool! Considering that the two 8-line stanzas should mirror themselves, the only area where they fall down are: though many times the hands outstretched and these the meager bones of charity that it would kindly lay a thousand plus a thousand cries These are the two 4th and 5th-lines of each stanza which vary in syllable counts and meter and throws the poem off the smoothness up to that point. You have an excellent 4-foot iambic going with the exception of one line in each stanza (discounting the final lines): that it would kindly lay (3 feet) and these the meager bones of charity (5 feet) Can't say I'm wild about jumping up to 12 syllables for the last lines or ending the first stanza iambically and the second dactylically (is that a word?!?) i.e., entrenched and clarity, but that's just a personal preference. I have little doubt that, read aloud, you could make everything sound perfect. It's great to try new things like this, ain't it, Liz?  I admire you, not only for your professionalism, but also for your constantly reaching for more...you'll always be the meter maid to me!  |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Dear Balladeer, You have hit me in my weekest spot, syllable count. I just wasn't paying attention, never do. I just write what sounds right and did not analyze my poem thoroughly. I will do some homework on this one, (Boy, what a tough prof!) THanks so much for your critique. Liz |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
My pleasure, Liz. I welcome any opportunity to tiptoe through your mind |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Two creams of the crop from which to reap continuing education. Thank you, Lady Santos...  |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
'Nor do I chide a nation’s gift' But it kind of seems like that's what you're doing. 'Though many times the hand’s outstretched So distantly from misery That it would kindly lay The whole of freshly slaughtered prey In open fields where predators are deep entrenched' I had a little trouble 'getting' these lines, but now I think I do... nations (Like North Korea) that get international aid, and their leaders blow it on palaces and riches while their citizens starve? Is that what you meant? If it's what you meant... I'm not sure where the predators come in to play... or I think maybe I'm just misinterpreting? 'A vulture tastes of other’s waste' Whose waste? Is it the waste I mentioned above, or a different type of waste? 'And rips the fresh of flesh and blood And leaves a carcass in the mud And these, the meager bones of charity' I like the first and third lines of this set... the middle one seems like it's just thrown in to satisfy rhyme and rhythm. Also, if you can do soething about starting three lines in a row with 'and'... it seems a bit uncreative after a while. 'And these, the meager bones of charity Are what remain to now sustain A thousand plus a thousand cries' These lines are really cool... although maybe you could represent magnitude a little better by saying 'a thousand times a thousand cries' 'From mouths engraved in southern skies In constellations never seen with clarity' I'm having trouble with the sudden change of imagery- we were with flesh, bones, carcasses, etc... and now the metaphor moves to the sky? Although, as soon as I write that, I realize you may have done that intentionally to symbolize the impending death of...? It's still a little unclear to me who you are talking about, and to be quite frank I read this as an indictment of foreign aid. If I was more clear on exactly who exactly the poverty-stricken are in this poem, and exactly what you are criticizing, I could have a better opinion on the content of the poem. As for form I really liked it for the most part, and this you did a neat job with wordplay and metaphor. Hope I've helped. |
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Toerag Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622Ala bam a |
Lizzie my sweet....this is wonderful...as all of your stuff is...you're such a talented poet...(Don't pay any attention to Balladeer, he even says awful things about my fine poetry)....LOL... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Good to see you again Liz. As a rhyme junkie, I really enjoyed your example here, as usual. Hush has already given a thorough critique and I don't think I could add much of value so I won't labor the point. Thanks for sharing and come around more often. Pete |
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