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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Paper Tiger Member
since 2003-09-28
Posts 77
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I am frail. Letting my fear devour me, And have dominion over me. Anxious, doubtful, eccentric; I ponder and reflect on Too much, too long; About everything. I hate being this way. No more Being afraid, Or over analyzing. It's never easy to change, But I can't move on Until I do. This self-indulgence, Has gotten me no closer To an answer; Only more questions. Further away From enlightenment or understanding; The big picture. I should recognize that we are connected. Our minds, Linked... Our energy, Fused... Our fates, Entangled at the root of it all. |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
The line "I hate being this way" is confusing being the lead in the second stanza. From context, it seems more fitting as an end to the first stanza, then the poem is much more coherent. It seems like it is forced into the second because of line count. |
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Endlessecho Member
since 2003-09-05
Posts 398I live within myself |
This is a good poem. Your message is well expressed. But, I do agree about the line breaks.  |
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grassy ninja Junior Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 41Kentucky |
there is something i like about this poem. it seems like you have an incredible capacity for understatement, subtle phrases, and occasionally overstatement. your language is very compact here. some parts of it are so compressed it reads more like prose than poetry. "I am frail. Letting my fear devour me, And have dominion over me." this is a strong beginning. compact language, good images. "Anxious, doubtful, eccentric;" i see the anxious and doubtful from the image before, but i don't know where eccentric comes in. is it the narrator, the fear, a third object? there is nothing in the poem thus far to tell me anything about it, and it sticks out. "I ponder and reflect on Too much, too long; About everything." this is good hyperbole. the punctuation and the line break here really emphasize the overstatement. it gets the reader closer to this paranoid world the speaker lives in. "I hate being this way. No more Being afraid, Or over analyzing. It's never easy to change, But I can't move on Until I do." this part i feel is unnecessary. we have no imagery here, no figurative language. you have a bit of a platitude here with the "it's never easy to change." i don't understand what you're trying to do with this part of the poem. is this some sort of inner-conflict within the narrator, where he/she decides whether or not he/she will change? is there some more descriptive way you can show us this, instead of just telling us? "This self-indulgence, Has gotten me no closer To an answer; Only more questions. Further away From enlightenment or understanding; The big picture." at this point, i feel the poem has gone in a completely different direction. at first, i felt sorry for the narrator, but now i don't. is that what you're going for? i didn't see the narrator's frailty as self-indulgence. is there some way you can make this more clear in the rest of the poem? what makes this narrator self-indulgent and not frail? "I should recognize that we are connected. Our minds, Linked... Our energy, Fused... Our fates, Entangled at the root of it all." i like the idea of this final stanza, but i don't think it makes sense in the context of the poem thus far. the ... after linked and fused are confusing and distracting. i guess what i'm looking for in this poem is a smoother transition from the specific to the general. how does the speaker change from the frail, paranoid person, to the self-conscious, self-indulgent person ready to make a change and give the reader a quick theory on the meaning of life? i think the beginning is really strong. if you are able to hold onto that thread throughout the rest of the poem, you'll have a really great piece here. thanks. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
grassy ninja said: '"I am frail. Letting my fear devour me, And have dominion over me." this is a strong beginning. compact language, good images.' I couldn't disagree more on the compact language staement. To me, compact would be: 'I am frail- my fear devours me and has dominion over me.' or even 'I am frail- my fear devours and dominates me.' Although I personally like the sound of 'dmoinion' better. I do agree that these lines are the strongest part of the poem though. Lines such as: 'Anxious, doubtful, eccentric;' Read simply like a list of to-do's... god invented things like adverbs and even -gasp- verbs for a reason. If I sound harsh I don't mean too... I actually intend to sound clever, but, well... that might not float over so well.  But seriously, I notice a tendency in people to fear the verb. Don't. Utilize it. Make your poem go somewhere by the very nature of the parts of speech contained therein. Of, and drop the -ing's. What is that called again? (Kamla, Pete?) There's a word. Gerunds? 'Further away From enlightenment or understanding; The big picture.' But the big picture is so fuzzy here... could you bring it into focus a little for us? Specify? 'Entangled at the root of it all.' The root of what, exactly? "It all' is a lot of stuff... care to elaborate? I would agree with ninja in saying you should try to keep with the vein you started in as far as style goes... and narrow your focus to a more managable range. Hope I've helped. |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
I am frail. fear devours me, And has dominion (if going for brevity, another suggestion) |
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Grover Senior Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 1967London, ON, Canada |
I like the poem as is! Grover. |
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Paper Tiger Member
since 2003-09-28
Posts 77 |
I see now that I tried to implement too many things into this piece, and went to many directions with it. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
That's okay. You can always just pick one direction and follow it... you don't have to scrap it, although it's your prerogative. |
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