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grassy ninja
Junior Member

since 2003-07-20

Posts 41
Kentucky

0 posted 2004-02-25 08:20 PM

her fingers will be long and red
like sticks of dynamite, sizzling
white glitter at the ends.  she
will tap me on my wooden shoulder,
i will look over at her when she
explodes and evaporates.

and i hope this time the ash will
stick to me longer, and that the
singed flesh where last i felt her
touch will take longer to heal.  i
have a blind heart and she has
callouses i touched for years

and read like braille, but she will flash
and die again.  i will try to understand
her stains, wedges and arcs of blood
and lip gloss.  i will rub my oaken limbs
across the asphault where she stood, i
cannot read her words anymore.

i haven't posted on here in months and i feel very nervous about responding to anyone's poems.  i guess i need a while to get back into it.  i was anxious to post this poem, and i totally understand if it is ignored.  i will try to find time to read more, and work up the courage to reply.

"Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string" -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Grover
Senior Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 1967
London, ON, Canada

1 posted 2004-02-26 04:24 PM

Some great diction here... superb images. Well written. Excellent! Grover.

J.Samm
Member

since 2004-01-12

Posts 415
Iloilo City, Philippines

2 posted 2004-02-27 05:27 AM

I found the way you cut your lines interesting. The pronoun "she" hanging on the preceding line as in:

(like sticks of dynamite, sizzling
white glitter at the ends. she
will tap me on my wooden shoulder,...)

When read, it creates an effect of suspense that wouldn't be found if it were arranged as:

like sticks of dynamite,
sizzling white glitter at the ends.
she will tap me on my wooden shoulder

Endlessecho
Member

since 2003-09-05

Posts 398
I live within myself

3 posted 2004-02-27 11:13 AM

Very intense images here. I liked the descriptions. Made it come alive.

Ryan
Member

since 1999-06-10

Posts 297
Kansas

4 posted 2004-03-07 03:44 AM

her fingers will be long and red
like sticks of dynamite, sizzling

--I really like this image, makes for a solid beginning.  I agree with J. Samm about the line break on the next line.  Very effective.

white glitter at the ends.  she
will tap me on my wooden shoulder,
i will look over at her when she
explodes and evaporates.

and i hope this time the ash will
stick to me longer, and that the
singed flesh where last i felt her
touch will take longer to heal.  i

--These last two lines struck me as the weakest ones in the whole poem.  I think the images in those 2 lines are much more ordinary than in the rest of the poem.  Also, I don't think the subject/verb inversion of "where last i felt" adds anything useful.

have a blind heart and she has
callouses i touched for years

and read like braille, but she will flash
and die again.  i will try to understand
her stains, wedges and arcs of blood

--I think there should be a comma after wedges.

and lip gloss.  i will rub my oaken limbs
across the asphault where she stood, i
cannot read her words anymore.

--I like the rest of the poem.  Maybe, try some different choices for the last word.  "Anymore" seems to fit a little rough with the flow of the last few lines.  But also, I may be reading it wrong.  It is after all coming up on 3am and I've been up too long I think.  That is all I have for right now.  I hope the things I've said helped a little.  I did enjoy the poem, thanks for posting it.

Ryan

in heaven,
everything is fine

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

5 posted 2004-03-07 09:57 AM

I really like this.

'singed flesh where last i felt her
touch will take longer to heal. i
have a blind heart and she has
callouses i touched for years

and read like braille,'

Here I'm confused (but I disagree that the bit about taking longer to heal is weak. I actually like it.) You are speaking of yourself being hurt, and then of her calluses? It just seems a little abrupt to me... almost that it would make more sense if you read your own scars like braile.

Also, 'asphault' should be 'asphalt.'

Hope I've helped.

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