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TwistedKnickers
Junior Member

since 2004-01-02

Posts 35
Saskatchewan, Canada

0 posted 2004-01-16 11:38 AM

The wily warlock moon extends
his cape of satin night.
An onyx wand of stars create
a drape of sequin light.

He smooths the jagged crystal sea
to make a mirrored pool
and sets the stars afloat on top;
each one, a twinkling jewel.

A woman walks along the rocks
entranced in moonlight ruse.
She stretches legs and arms and hands
to pry the diamonds loose.

The moon bestirs the sleeping sea
'til waves and rocks collide.
With eyes and pockets full of stars,
she's taken by the tide.

Poetry is the sculpting of words. We ALL start with a lump of clay.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2004-01-16 12:06 PM

Well Cat, I can't find anything of substance to complain about here. Great imagery. You have some really interesting metaphors and the whole thing even becomes a nice extended metaphor. I don't believe I would change a word.

So, it looks like the only nit I can pick is that blasted semicolon. Not only is it grammatically incorrect but it also is just plain ugly. A comma is all that's really needed there. But if you want to separate the following phrase a little more, you might substitute a dash.

JMHO,

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

gourdmad
Member

since 2003-12-01

Posts 136
Upper Ohio Valley

2 posted 2004-01-17 10:44 AM

Nice effort, reads unforcedly. Good play with the theme of illusion, the dream within the dream.

One thing to consider:

entranced in moonlight ruse.

might be a little more natural if it read:

entranced by moonlight's ruse.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

3 posted 2004-01-19 10:09 AM

Actually, I was going to suggest 'entranced in moonlit ruse'

Because 'moonlight ruse' does sound unnatural and forced.

Other than that though, I really like this; I think pete's right about the extended metaphor... the moon is a man, full of diamonds and riches... and the woman falls under his spell. It's made more significant by the fact that the moon is usually portrayed as female, and in sync with female cycles.

Hope I've helped.

gourdmad
Member

since 2003-12-01

Posts 136
Upper Ohio Valley

4 posted 2004-01-19 10:22 AM

"Moonlit", yes, a much more elegant adjustment.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

5 posted 2004-01-19 03:05 PM

What they all said, with an excellent! for story-telling. Enjoyed this very much!

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