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Critical Analysis #2
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esmond
Junior Member
since 2004-01-04
Posts 11


0 posted 2004-01-04 06:52 PM


An imminent curse is as sure as wind
(after eating baked beans and hard-boiled eggs)
when the gypsy-woman in red,
selling paper flowers and wooden pegs
raps on the door and gets no answer.

She turns, mumbles something,
a rumble of hooves overhead,
the six swivels to nine,
the sky as dark as a full eclipse,
(a midday phenomena)
two slates slide off the cottage roof,
home in on the pet hedgehog,
slice it in three.

She bags the ready-cut for her supper pot.

Lightning joins the noise,
(most unusual in Blazing June)
the chimney, not the highest in the row,
(strange again)
consumes the charge,
all the windows shatter into chars,
and before our eyes, and before our ears
can credit the maddening sound,
the house crumbles to its toes.

Now, when caravans boot into town,
we stand on Red Alert, waiting for the rap,
to answer in a flash, with florins,
shillings in hand –
to cross a grubby palm for whatever
handmade stuff’s on offer.

And

tomorrow’s Horse-Mart Day,
bet your false teeth
every lapel will sport a buttonhole.
White shirts will wave like flags of truce,
tails pinched tight on plastic lines.


© Copyright 2004 esmond - All Rights Reserved
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
1 posted 2004-01-04 07:07 PM


Hello Esmond and welcome to CA. This is a little strange though somehow interesting. I suspect there is something hidden that I failed to find. Maybe someone will see it soon.

Thanks for joining,

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

wintertao
Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366
Okaloosa Island, FL
2 posted 2004-01-04 09:39 PM


I like this with reservations...I'm all for leaving some mystery hanging in the air, I do it often. However here, and it may just be me cause I'm kinda tired right now, I dont fully understand what this is about, if its about a curse, I would edit some of the distracting parts that seem weaker in the writing dept than others...this whole stanza could be cut imo or maybe one or two lines pulled out of it:

Lightning joins the noise,
(most unusual in Blazing June)
the chimney, not the highest in the row,
(strange again)
consumes the charge,
all the windows shatter into chars,
and before our eyes, and before our ears
can credit the maddening sound,
the house crumbles to its toes.

TwistedKnickers
Junior Member
since 2004-01-02
Posts 35
Saskatchewan, Canada
3 posted 2004-01-05 06:27 AM


Hi Esmond...
    I got a real good chuckle out of this one. When I think of gypsies, I think of a time long past. When you allude to a "Red Alert" though, the tense changes for me to somewhere closer to present. Was that intended? The last strophe is a bit puzzling in that it doesn't explain what a "horse-mart" is or the reason for the buttonhole. I think it could be somewhat clearer there.A great original idea that you've painted well. It just needs a bit of tweaking because you shouldn't have to explain the piece at all. I know...I've run into that problem more than once and still do. You should be proud to put your signature on this one!

Cat  

[This message has been edited by TwistedKnickers (01-05-2004 06:30 AM).]

esmond
Junior Member
since 2004-01-04
Posts 11

4 posted 2004-01-05 10:52 AM


hello, Not A Poet..

thanks for your welcome
and for reading and replying.
Strange stuff can be expected
from strange poets.. I'm strange!
However, this is one of my lesser strange,
so be prepared for some mind boggling stuff,
should I find the time to hang about awhile.

Thanks again.

esmond
Junior Member
since 2004-01-04
Posts 11

5 posted 2004-01-05 10:54 AM


Thanks, wintertao...

you remarks are noted.

esmond
Junior Member
since 2004-01-04
Posts 11

6 posted 2004-01-05 05:12 PM


hi, twistedknickers..

thanks for your input..
this DOES need to go through
the revision process AGAIN..
I'll get on it when time allows.

Thanks again..
Esmond.

esmond
Junior Member
since 2004-01-04
Posts 11

7 posted 2004-01-05 06:39 PM


hi, twistedknickers..

thanks for input..
I'm back to the revision board with this.
Not happy with it at all.

Thanks again.

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