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Critical Analysis #2
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The Absence
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Absence |
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alan6501 Member
since 2004-01-03
Posts 89PA |
THE ABSENCE In isolation as is this world No emotions allowed They don’t make cash To hell with a stable life There are too many backs to stab And too much self to be full of Maybe we’ll all self-destruct It’d be the first step to reconstruction Of a world that is tainted With the very existence of the human race Things could be so much damn better If we’d stop committing internal suicide And blood-soaking beautiful landscapes With arrogant screams of prideful monsters The devilish spark comes to the surface Violent hands molded by absent parents -Alan650 What do you guys think of this poem? I know its a very intense subject matter but tonight I was in a very intense mood so this is what eventually resulted. I would really appreciate some feedback! I enjoyed getting feedback on the other poems that I posted (The Dance and Seeker) |
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| © Copyright 2004 Alan B. Stallsmith - All Rights Reserved | |||
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
I like it...there are alot of very good lines in here...maybe I'll re-visit after I have my coffee (yes I'm just waking up at 1 pm) |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Slow down Alan. We haven't had time to absorb the other 2 you posted today yet. Too much posting in too short a time tends to cause none of them to receive the attention they might otherwise deserve. |
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TwistedKnickers Junior Member
since 2004-01-02
Posts 35Saskatchewan, Canada |
Hello Alan... I can feel the emotion in this piece and can tell that you have some very strong feelings on the topic. Your ideas are good. If they weren't, a thousand other poets wouldn't have written about them. The trick is to make it read differently than theirs. I mean, I see a lot of abstract words here like "isolation" and "existence". (Although existence DOES have a common experience.) The way this poem reads is almost as if the writer were on a soapbox. Try to SHOW me, the reader, a picture rather than tell me the words. e.g.- "No emotions allowed They don't make cash" Perhaps this could be changed to something like: (Such a) Pity, we can't sell our tears. This creates a picture in one's mind of someone trying to sell their tears for money and gets the same message across to the reader. (imagery) "Things could be so (much) damn better." - should be the last line. It makes the reader very thoughtful if placed at the end. In a nutshell: a good emotional venting good ideas and outline enthusiastic approach needs punctuation unnecessary capitalization too much tell, not enough show Too many abstracts Suggestion: Read a bit more poetry. Take in every line, close your eyes and see the picture. Remember...you, as a writer, see the pictures in your own mind; we, as readers, don't. Help your reader to SEE your poem as you do. You have a good start here. I look forward to any revisions. Hope this helps. Cat |
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