SEEKER (With Nothing To Find)

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alan6501
Member

since 2004-01-03

Posts 89
PA

0 posted 2004-01-03 02:42 AM

A SEEKER
(WITH NOTHING TO FIND)

Charged with a crime that’s not illegal by law
I dug too deep and was bound to fall
Finding out about you only straining to find more
That is the point; I found what was there
A desperate desire for a longing stare

You are a mover, never finding your home
I am a seeker, never knowing what I yearn
These traits were never meant to collide
And this front will never be able to hide
I was seeking something that I hadn’t lost

Memories can haunt like a burden
And leave bitter remnants of dreams
Flames can burn and temporarily scar
Making me believe that I loved you from afar
Your face raging internally like quiet screams

So I’m left with only the taste of your flesh
And how it feels to vainly obsess
Over something that I never held
That is the point; I found what was really there
A desperate desire for a longing stare

-Alan Stallsmith

Please tell me what you think!

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2004-01-03 11:29 AM

Hi Alan,

Welcome to PIP and the Critical Analysis forum. The purpose of CA is, of course, critique so it is not really necessary to ask what the others think

that desire being implied by just posting here.

Well, I think you need a lot of work here. You have made many of the mistakes all relative new writers make. We have all done it before.

Arguably, the most important feature of poetry is its content or message. What you are trying to say here is pretty good although love, and especially unrequited love, has certainly been done uncountable times before. Your problem is in how you are saying it. You may be trying to cover too many disjoint aspects of it. Perhaps if you concentrated more hevily on fewer points it might work better.

The next most important feature is probably flow. There are many ways to make the words slide effortlessly off the tongue, some more difficult than others to master. This one has too many verbal speed bumps. A lot of that is caused by just too many words but that is not the whole answer.

One effective way to have good flow is by employing a fairly consistent meter. It would take a lot of work to do that with what you have here. Another thing that causes your meter to appear rough is your rhyme. Rhyming poetry usually works best as metric poetry rather than free verse. When we see anything like consistent rhyme, we almost expect consistent meter. If not there, it just throws the brain off.

Another point is your lines. As I read this, I get the feeling that each line is a separate entity. They just don't mold together. One very effective way to avoid this is to use some enjambment, or run-on lines, as you have here.

quote:
And how it feels to vainly obsess
Over something that I never held

Also, the rhyme tends to point this flaw out.

While we are talking about rhyme, at least half of yours are forced. That is, it is obvious to the reader that you worded a line as you did just because you needed it to rhyme with another. This is very distracting to a reader with any experience at all. Then another related flaw is word inversion, usage or structure, generally just awkward combinations or illogical statements.

quote:
Charged with a crime that’s not illegal by law
I dug too deep and was bound to fall

This again is usually done to force rhymes.

This, of course, is just one uneducated opinion so use what you like and ignore the rest.

Pete

wintertao
Member

since 2003-11-17

Posts 366
Okaloosa Island, FL

2 posted 2004-01-03 01:02 PM

It does seem somewhat forced at points just to fit, the end words just to rhyme. The 2nd stanza seems weak and could be cut. There are some nice lines in here and flashes of creativity it just needs some editing...if you can't think of a word that doesnt seem forced, then just dont rhyme. Try arranging the lines in a different order, try re-arranging the words within the line. You will very proabably hit on something much stronger than you have now. This is just my 2 cents.

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

3 posted 2004-01-03 02:43 PM

For the most part, this is painfully plodding. The rhyme scheme is irregular. You could simplify it greatly by cutting out the repetitive words and phrases as well.

S1:
L1 is oxymoronic. A crime is by definition the breaking of a law.
L2 is paradoxical. If this was intended, you need to make it clear. Usually, one falls from a height.
L3 is the first example of a line that needs trimming:
Simplifying as for example; “Straining to learn more about you,” is every bit as clear.
L4&5: This couplet makes no sense. You don’t make clear “the point;” the rhyme seems forced.

S2:
Your similes are more of a distraction. You shouldn’t have to set up each line for the reader, as in this stanza, if the phraseology is sufficiently effective or if metaphors carry it.
In L1, I’m sure you could find a better word than, “mover;” my mind immediately thinks of “movers and shakers.” But then, that’s just me I’m sure. This is only one example of poor word selection and why this entire stanza fails.

S3:
Here again, you are attempting to set up the metaphors. i.e., “Memories can haunt like a burden”, “face raging internally like quiet screams” This is unnecessary if your words are effectively chosen in the first place. This stanza fails as well to hold me.
L4 attempts to draw a connection to L5 but fails. They are instead disjointed thoughts.

S4:
L1 the image of “a taste of …flesh” usually is not a pleasant one.

For what it's worth.

Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com

[This message has been edited by cynicsRus (01-03-2004 09:30 PM).]

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