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Critical Analysis #2
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Always there ( revised from lost )
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Always there ( revised from lost ) |
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mysticpoe Senior Member
since 2003-02-28
Posts 883 |
In the silhouette of the bicycles we rode. Desires, were sometimes within our own suggestions. Those taught canyons of faith, we summoned - they delivered. With our hair - so natured how could it be different - from what we know now. We pondered our purpose clasping natures side. As The Caldor seemed so close to the questions, questions - we held onto like tracks following the endless plains. Hoping, for the mountains to return, to what karma, was once before. Allowing this swallowed endurance called comfort. Our eyes were then fully open; so, maybe, I’ll close them now. If nothing is something then everything is our thoughts and feelings and all that exists. [This message has been edited by mysticpoe (12-27-2003 12:35 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 mysticpoe - All Rights Reserved | |||
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
this is very interesting and I like it alot...I also think it could be better. For lack of a better way of saying it, it seems "muddled" especially the beginning. The poem finishes strong. I would play around with cutting out a few words here and there to try and tighten it up, and also play around with re-arranging some of the lines and even the order of the lines in the poem...ie pull some lines out of the middle and put them at the top, etc just to see if you hit on something even more powerful than it already is. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Wayne, When I looked at your earlier version, I hadn’t even considered this, but this is actually a worthwhile suggestion—if you haven’t yet finished attempting to polish it. For example, I like the idea of using Caldor to imply a transitional period; the end of certain things familiar from an earlier day. You could—if you wish—bring that more to the fore by beginning the poem on L 8. I’m not saying it would necessarily work, but I did personally like the way you wove that image. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (12-26-2003 03:16 PM).] |
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mysticpoe Senior Member
since 2003-02-28
Posts 883 |
wintertao and cynicsRus, thank you both very much for taking the time to read and help. I revised the write again, taking into account your most appreciated critiques. Thanks again. wayne If nothing is something |
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