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Brigid WillowKeeper
Member

since 2003-08-24

Posts 88
OHIO IN USA

0 posted 2003-12-13 10:44 PM

Angst.
Can't you see
the pain
consuming me
I'm lost
trapped
in a world
of
Angst.
What is free?
Something
I'll never be.
It's there,
only just
out of reach.
All that is
holding me back
is the universe
of
Angst.
It's consuming me.

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

1 posted 2003-12-13 11:34 PM

You realize of course, that the mind’s eye automatically desires to stop after every line break?
Imagine yourself as a passenger in a car driven by someone nervously hitting the break pedal every other second. It’s not long before you just want to get out of the car and walk--in another direction.

OK, I think you’ve pretty much let us know what you’re feeling. (Um…angst?} Now, try explaining to us why we should care about yours in particular.

Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com
www.primerhymeetc.com

Brigid WillowKeeper
Member

since 2003-08-24

Posts 88
OHIO IN USA

2 posted 2003-12-14 12:15 PM

I will work on that. Thank you.

Craw
Member

since 2003-09-11

Posts 73
Scotland

3 posted 2003-12-16 05:54 AM

This comes across as dull and self-indulgent. Emotion's only part of the poetical equation. Try to express yourself without using the personal pronoun. Compare your piece with something like:

the glacier knocks in the cupboard,
the desert sighs in the bed,
and the crack in the tea-cup opens
a lane to the land of the dead

Same themes, but one shows rather than tells.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

4 posted 2003-12-17 10:41 AM

'Can't you see
the pain
consuming me'

Actually, I can't, but that's just because you haven't shown me.

What I would suggest, if you want us to 'see' your angst, is to give us a more detailed description, especially trying to incorporate some visual imagery.

What color is angst? Does it have a shape? How does it move? Where does it hang out? Give us a picture, a personality, a tangible way to see angst, and we probably will.

Hope I've helped.

Astro
Member

since 2003-01-08

Posts 69
Ca.

5 posted 2003-12-17 06:21 PM

Yeah, I couldn't agree with Hush more. I don't have a hard time understanding what you're saying; the line breaks work for me. I think what this poem needs is something to set it apart from everything else. Everyone feels angst, but you feel it in a very personal and unique way. THAT is what should seperate this poem from everything else -- your unique vision. We, the readers, need to see what you see. So, any type of added imagery would be good, so long as it's your vision.

Sight is an always awful beginning

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