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Critical Analysis #2
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Outward |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704
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(wrote this a year ago and left it unfinished. I'm attempting to close it.) Somehow it’s always the sea bonfires and wood spitting her footprints flecked years ago through black sand in youth concrete steps curve up to a monument for 6 Maori fisherman who drowned a boy talked to her there about sex and desperation and she held loneliness warm under her palm staring at the dead Taranaki winds are rough in the power lines - eerie, long, like waiting and Pacific-way from those steps worn hard she once travelled see, just to the left pines (those wanderers) laze in the air behind the caravans and the beach caretaker’s house ghosts hide there she has never looked inland |
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| © Copyright 2003 Kamla Mahony - All Rights Reserved | |||
kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
no time for a reading now..but still wanted to say hi..  hope life's going good for you |
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coyote Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077 |
I'm neither a writer nor judge of writing, K. Your mind extrapolates from experience throughout this piece, evolving an unsettling memorial affinity with the "places" depicted. The closing correlates the scenes described with living out the cycle human. I see quite a fine poem, which reads well. coyote 8) |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
What a nice surprise to have a "K" poem to feast upon when I got home from work this morning-- however it proved too much for breakfast, so I had to take a nap (busy shift no sleep) before coming back for seconds. Classical in the sense that it will likely have a different meaning for each reader, while the use of named places keep reminding us that this is very much one person's experience/story. The imagery took me smoothly from the visual setting to an emotional response without losing sight of how the scene might appear. The journey you took me on: quote: ...and the search by a weary soul for something that fulfills the cravings that the flesh can't satisfy... quote: ..this gives me the feeling of watching someone who is waiting, and apart from one who loves them.... quote: to me the pines and ghosts represent bereavement that hasnt been dealt with and to look inland (inward)-- would be to have to move forward- or to journey into the sea sure am glad the reader is never wrong. more later perhaps-- not really thinking clearly right now  JThere is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. byron [This message has been edited by Jamie (12-06-2003 03:52 PM).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Kaile - hey you...  Good to see you. Life is ok...how about you? Hugs..Sir Coyote - grrrrrrr. I'm sure I've had this conversation with you before - yes you are. Lol. Last year, I explored my childhood places through my poetry...hence...this. Thank you muchly for stopping by, I do appreciate it and it's great to see you... J - Hah...as I've often said I love what people see in my poetry, lucky for you eh? Funnily enough, the scenery isn't mean to represent anything. It's just - where I was then, when I waited for something I didn't think I could find inland. And still can't. Hugs dear...  K |
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mysticpoe Senior Member
since 2003-02-28
Posts 883 |
Severn, this is real nice poetry. evenly constructed and connected through-out. Flowing very nicely with original imagery in the right places. Although I found the read a bit confusing during the first read. Because, I assume that you decided not to use a whole lot of puntuation during the write. A lot of poets don't. But after reading the poem a few times, it smoothed out very nicely. Really enjoyed your write and style. Especially the finishing line. Which was superb. poe If nothing is something |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Consider dropping the word "up" from the second line of this verse. The three increasing length lines would then imply up, and the drop in the 4th line would give a visual reinforcement to "drowned". Also, if you say the words aloud, it flows better without the "up", IMHO. Say it both ways and listen to them, if you want to. concrete steps curve to a monument for 6 Maori fisherman who drowned a boy talked to her there about sex and desperation and she held loneliness warm under her palm staring at the dead |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hi mystic...thank you for responding... I often don't use any punctuation at all - except in the middle of the lines. But I prefer commas and fullstops/periods that should be at the end of lines to insert themselves. I really only like punctuation sparingly - to clearly delineate space. Gourdmad - that's an excellent suggestion. It's done. Thank you for that. K |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
i like it. Ah yes, perhaps I should expand. Well it's classic you really. Emotionally charged and beautifully written but then you know I adore your writing so..yeah..um. yes |
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Craw Member
since 2003-09-11
Posts 73Scotland |
This has a very broken, dream-like feel to it. I like it a lot. Did you say it was unfinished? The last line suspended in space seems just right. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
R - well, you know, it's the same. BELIEVE it hah....thank you. Craw - broken..hm. Funny how when one writes a poem it just...flows...doesn't it? However, having had a distant from this for a year, and having only performed a minor reworking on it before I put it here, I can indeed feel that broken quality. I think it's the lack of core punctuation more than anything. Which is great lol. It does feel unfinished to me. Maybe because I'm on the hunt for a long poem... Thank you for your comments, and it's nice to have you in CA. K |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
That's cuz your in the wrong hemi dear J |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
humph ~swat~ I think you meant 'best' instead of 'wrong' heh K |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
best can still be wrong hk>lk J |
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