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Serena Renae
Junior Member

since 2003-12-04

Posts 48
Ohio, USA

0 posted 2003-12-04 07:56 PM

Fevered fantasies of what our future could be,
Seductive suggestions escape from our mind.
Whispered words that bind.
Captivating closeness between you and me,
Suddenly soaring like a bird set free.
Electrifying emotions with a steady incline,
Sensual sensations that just blow our mind.
Rushing reality to be.
Tenderly teasing increasing the fire,
Fierce flames burn to our core.
Pulsing passion fueling desire,
Craving each other more.
Touching, tasting, kissing to come.
Lovingly knowing you are the one.

Tim
Senior Member

since 1999-06-08

Posts 1794

1 posted 2003-12-05 12:57 PM

I always read poetry aloud to my myself to get a feel for the meter and flow of the poem.
I get in a rhythm with your poem and then it seems you totally shift gears and I am jilted out the of the flow of the poem.
A few bumps are acceptable along the way, and maybe you intended to alter the flow of your poem, but if it was intentional, I cannot say in my opinion it worked for me.
I think the other poem you posted flows much more smoothly.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2003-12-05 01:25 AM

I thnk this has some really good points... and some not-so-good points.

'Fevered fantasies of what our future could be,
Seductive suggestions escape from our mind.
Whispered words that bind.'

I think this is a pretty good start, but a little wordy, especially the first line.

'Fevered fantasies of what our future could be,'

How about something like 'Fevered fantasies of possible future'- something a little less verbose.

Now:

'Seductive suggestions escape from our mind.
Whispered words that bind.'

I really like the word choice, the assonance and rhyme. One thing to consider though: you say 'mind' for two people. Did you mean minds, or did you actually mean one collective mind?

'Captivating closeness between you and me,
Suddenly soaring like a bird set free.
Electrifying emotions with a steady incline,
Sensual sensations that just blow our mind.'

Ehhh... kinda blase here... your rhyme is far too forced, the wording is predictable and at this point, the alliteration is getting a little heavy. Maybe you could distill this into something more concise and a little less predictable.

'Rushing reality to be.'

I like this line-- it especially makes me think of a pregnant girl... a mother to be. The reality to be as a baby...? It would fit the tone of reckless lack of inhibition, the headlong rush into love and lust.

'Tenderly teasing increasing the fire,'

I like this too, esp. the internal rhyme... however, I'd consider either adding punctuation between teasing and increasing, ot chopping the -ly off of tender to aid in flow and clarity.

'Fierce flames burn to our core.
Pulsing passion fueling desire,
Craving each other more.'

Once again, blah. And I can't say I'm really sure what you want to do with this apparently random rhyme scheme... you keep switching it up.

'Touching, tasting, kissing to come.
Lovingly knowing you are the one.'

You are aware of the double entendre here, right?

Keep the first line here, and throw off the last one. The first one is really cool. The second one is lame and cliche.

Hope I've helped.

-Amy

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