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Critical Analysis #2
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Beasley
Senior Member
since 2003-11-28
Posts 682
Cheboygan,MI USA

0 posted 2003-12-03 01:12 PM


Windchimes

The tinkling of the chimes
Born from the soft, cool breeze
Brings memories back to me
Of majestic, bowing trees.

The night was summer warm,
Yet, soothed by a breath of wind.
The only storm that brewed
Was the one I held within.

Gently he advised
And dismissed my state of woe.
No longer is here;
He left so long ago.

Still he speaks to me
With silent words I know
Like the pealing of a bell
Touched by a flake of snow.

Barb Gedman

© Copyright 2003 Barbara Gedman - All Rights Reserved
Astro
Member
since 2003-01-08
Posts 69
Ca.
1 posted 2003-12-03 02:19 PM


I like your use of nature to convey deeper meaning. At the onset, you clue the reader that something is amiss. The "tinkling" sound should be "born", grammatically speaking, from the chime itself. Sound does not originate from wind. Since you credit the wind with the birth of sound, you empower the wind. In this context, even the "majestic" trees seem like a hoax. After all, they are "bowing" to the wind, who is more subtle, yet more powerful. So, you present these topics of power-play -- of domination and submission, right from the start.

The last stanza repeats these topics. A bell wouldn't normally "peal" from a single snowflake. Your use of imagery makes it clear that the snowflake has the power. This is like the relationship, in stanzas two and three, where the lover "gently" advised, yet caused a maelstrom of emotion. Hence, "he" is the wind and the snowflake, while the speaker is the windchime, trees, and bell. "He" is the one in power and "you" (assuming you're the speaker) are in submission.

I would advise adding a syllable to stanza three, line three, to help with the meter. It would sound more flowing if it read, "No longer is HE here", or some such addition. The only reason I could see for leaving out that extra syllable would be to purposely fragment the meter. This would reflect the inner turmoil of the speaker and this may have been why you did it.

Hope that was helpful!    

Sight is an always awful beginning

Beasley
Senior Member
since 2003-11-28
Posts 682
Cheboygan,MI USA
2 posted 2003-12-03 04:08 PM


Thank you, Astro for taking your time to read and comment. Leaving the "He" out was actually a typo. I had written that years ago when I was in school.
Thank again, Barb

Marge Tindal
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Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
3 posted 2003-12-03 11:31 PM


Barb~
I felt this had strength clothed in delicacy~
Very enjoyable read~
*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*When the heart grieves over what it has lost,
the spirit rejoices over what it has left.
- Sufi epigram
       noles1@totcon.com   

Beasley
Senior Member
since 2003-11-28
Posts 682
Cheboygan,MI USA
4 posted 2003-12-04 07:59 AM


Dear Marge,
Thank you. That is encouraging. I am reading more and more of your writing and find it most delightful.Barb

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