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Critical Analysis #2
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Intensity
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Intensity |
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feeblemindedfool New Member
since 2003-11-26
Posts 5 |
Intensity I notice you while you're sitting there Forgive my unavoidable stare My nerves are quaking my will is weak A glimpse of your eyes is what I seek I cannot look away; you draw me nigh To compose myself is impossible; I know; I try Your beauty captures me; your presence demands A feeling of numbness is in my hands A desire to speak but a barrier of fear My heart beats faster as I come near My legs shake as I approach you now I want to speak but do not know how You look at me with your beautiful eyes My heart skips a beat while my inside cries Our eyes meet and smiles emerge Strangely a comfort begins to surge I approach you, hoping to break the ice You speak first, your voice is nice We connect with ease and converse well We walk and talk with much to tell I study you as you laugh, smile, and scrunch your nose Your skin looks soft and smooth like the pedals of a rose Sitting close to you, our bodies touch I want to kiss you; so very much With each encounter intensity soars A breathless gulp as tension roars The first kiss, so magical, so sweet This must be real; there is so much heat The night is late, we lay side by side You are so tired this you cannot hide You ask me to stay if you should drift This night is unreal, it is a gift To be alone with you to watch you sleep A promise to stay I long to keep You are asleep now; you have drifted away Your beauty stays fresh; your dreams are at play Your body glows in the bedside light Your movements so little your breath so slight As I am lost in watching you, I drift away This was a perfect ending to a perfect day |
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River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
hey, welcome to pip, I hope you like this place, the people here are pretty cool. (even CynicsRus, though he can get himself into trouble at times, lol) honestly I can't find anything wrong with this write as far as stucture, in fact it's almost an addicting poem, but I'm not much of a critic anyway...content...well, I'm a girl, my opinion on that doesn't matter, lol.  - River Love hurts as bad as it feels good. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I want to add another "welcome." I have a hard time calling anyone any kind of fool in public and I'm not a fast typist so, if you don't mind, I'll shorten your name to FMF. As for the content of your poem, I'm sure the lady it was written for would appreciate it. The general reader may have less interest. I don't mean it is uninteresting but you have some flaws that detract. First, rhyming poetry usually works best when coupled with a fairly consistent meter. Without studying yours in depth, it seems to wander all over. IMO it would help a great deal if you could rework it into something more consistent. I don't mean every line has to match exactly but it should come a lot closer than it is. Rhyming couplets (lines rhyming in pairs as you have here) can be a difficult form when dealing with a serious subject. The form easily falls to near trivial. By separating these couplets with blank lines, you only serve to emphasize this potential fault. The bottom line is, you have to chose your words very carefully to treat a serious subject in couplets. You also have what appears to be many forced rhymes. That is, lines where it is too obvious that you only chose the wording, or maybe even only included the line at all, just to make it rhyme with another line. These problems are even more obvious when the lines are closer together, as in couplets. For example, Your beauty captures me; your presence demands A feeling of numbness is in my hands This one shows several related faults. The first line is all right but incomplete. I think demands must be a transitive verb here but there is no object. Then the second, where I expected the completion of the first, is just another new statement. Read that line by itself. Would you ever way that, even talking to your sweetheart? Putting it poetically, you might say, I feel a numbness in my hands but not what you wrote. In other words, you rearranged or inverted the words just to make the rhyme. There are several other places where you have inverted word order that should be rethought. I don't mean to suggest that you should scrap this example but I do suggest you go back to work on it. This can be a valuable learning exercise. Besides, the closer it is to perfect, the more the lady is going to appreciate it. Love can be a difficult subject because it has been done so many millions of times before that it starts out as almost a cliche. That does bring up another point about yours. You have way too many cliches in this. A writer will be at least mildly chastised for using even one. Pete |
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Tim Senior Member
since 1999-06-08
Posts 1794 |
I wouldn't be overly concerned with the cliche remark, I consider it a cliche itself when it comes to poetic critiques. You have to consider your audience. Anything used to extremes is generally going to be negative. I personally think enjambment is grossly overused and yet it seems to be in favor with the "good" poet. In the right circumtances cliches are appropriate in my humble opinion. In romantic poetry cliches work as long as not overdone and not too sappy. (but then again, I still give my wife roses for our anniversary) I agree, your meter is all over the board, and you need to work on it a tad. Try reading the poem aloud and get into a flow. You have some good lines and some good couplets. You also have some pretty poor ones. It seems at times, you come up with a line and then to complete the couplet you grab whatever words are handy to come up with a rhyming second line unrelated to the first. You have a good start, but like most things, poetry is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration. Good luck. |
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tecoyah Member
since 2003-11-16
Posts 83NY |
looks like you get the welcoming committee today...so, glad you are here. as far as a crit goes...most has been covered, I would emphasize the forced rhyme aspect but I truly enjoyed this work...look forward to more. thanx |
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feeblemindedfool New Member
since 2003-11-26
Posts 5 |
I would like to thank everyone for there comments...I have never really wrote poetry consistently and am not the best at grammar, nor do I know anything about the "proper" way to write poems...I just wrote what I felt...I guess I should learn how to write better and I thank you for bringing this into the light for me |
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