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Critical Analysis #2
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Advice greatly appreciated :-)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Advice greatly appreciated :-) |
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Katy Rose Junior Member
since 2003-11-25
Posts 13 |
Hi, Was hoping for some constructive criticism. I have not written for a while and its hard to judge your own stuff. Thanks. Sleeping Beauty. She dreams she is a child agin, searching. Her dream is like a silver dress, soft and heavy. Memories fall on her, sweet silver rain. She tastes them with her tounge. Where am I? Outside the night protects her like a lover. It is so sweet to seek this other space. She dances in her dress and holds her pain against her. Sharp silver blade on silky skin. I hurt. Its beautiful to ache so much, she slips. Within some private dusk farewell. His touch so cold and pure and true. Demanding sacrifice. I go willingly. She stirs, her dress draws beads of blood. Red blood. Hot blood. Her blood. Fire burns her dress away and leaves her naked. He frowns and fades, too late, too real. Dawn flames. I rise. I bite. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
You have more than a few interesting visuals here that would be worth developing in this dream state you’re attempting, but more than a few distractions as well. In S1-L2, “…in her…” not necessary. A couple of misspellings in this stanza as well. S2-L1, “Outside” is redundant, since it’s obvious the night occurs outside. S2-L2, “So sweet” is so cliché. Not clear what “other space” you mean. S2-L3, “in her dress” unnecessary, since you’ve already established she’s wearing it. Even though, L4 may sound a bit clichéd as well, I think it’s still an interesting image. S3-L1, should be “it’s.” S4-L2, I’m just not sure on this one whether the repetition of “blood” works, at least for me. You could just as easily say, “red, hot—hers.” S4-L3, I feel it’s unnecessary to add, “leaves her naked” I’m not even sure the entire line is working. It feels disconnected from the rest. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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