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Critical Analysis #2
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Who shot me?
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Who shot me? |
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
My name is Justice, I've been dead long ago. Who shot me? I don't know. Was it that guy, the leader of the U.S.A.? Maybe not, or maybe, I was never meant to see the day. Go ahead leader! Kill me in the name of good! It's just the same, your people knew you would. You lied to them, just for votes. Promised much, your promises sank, much like a boat. Well, who's complaining? We could recall you, hire someone, who used to be entertaining. There you go, problem fixed. Hire that movie star, even though his campaign is stitched. Now the question is, who is a bigger enemy? The stupid voters? Or the fake politician acting friendly? We'll never know, what the answer of this question shall be. Which one of those two shot me? |
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| © Copyright 2003 Jorge Vega - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I think it must be very difficult to make a political statement poetically. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: Even more difficult when one still hasn’t grasped the basic understanding of what distinguishes something from a poem or a prosaic rant. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
this is what it is. you can hate it or love it, but that's what my words are going to be. |
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Legion Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 54 |
quote: Well at least your honest but how many suggestions on how to improve your poem are you expecting to get if you announce up front that you aren’t going to change anything? Just an observation. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
This is very heroic in tone... it kind of reminds me of a Mel Gibson war movie... like in the Patriot, when he's running back on to the field to kill the enemy with gusto and courage... you know who the good guy is. There's no question. I think you present justice here as something we would instantly know if we saw it... a very straightforward, black-and-white representation. Some people see it that way, but I don't think it works. Other than that, this has a very simple and sing-songy flow to it, which I really don't think fits the subject. If I were to write a poem of this nature, I'd go watch the movie Bob Roberts and try to emulate that tone, a sort of biting sarcasm. Obviously, tone is a personal choice, but the tone you've chosen really doesn't work here. I would also suggest that you get more specific. So you're saying the president is gunning down justice? Hey, what's new? Tell me how, tell me specifically... was it when he refocused the lens of American violence on a middle eastern country that really posed no threat to us (but has some hella-massive supply of oil) as Osama bin Laden somehow faded from our worldview... as our military forces failed to capture him? That's what I'd say, but maybe you'd say when he stole the election, or when he cut massive taxes and started running our dificit back up, or when he signed the partial birth abortion ban into law.... you can't just assume that my views on him are the same as yours. Now, here I think is the crux of your poem: 'who is a bigger enemy? The stupid voters? Or the fake politician acting friendly?' Good point to bring up... but I somehow think that calling the voters stupid isn't going to get you very far with your audience, since most of us are voters. Secondly, Bush didn't win the popular vote, so what the hell do the voters have to do with this? The voters did the right thing, if, in your opinion, the right thing was voting Gore. I think you should refocus this in light of the possible misinformation and propaganda voters are given... be specific, and be factual. Just as a side note... I don't want you to think I'm up on some political and poetic high horse, as you seem to think that of a lot of people. I'm 19 and a sophomore in college, so I'm pretty much where you are. But let me offer you a small piece of advice: If you want to be a better poet, don't hold Tupac up on some pedestal of artistic freedom. He may have a very real and touching message.... but his poetry isn't all it's cracked up to be. Hope I've helped. |
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
I appreciate your words. Yeah, I can see how the tone doesn't really fit the words. I can see how I need to be clearer on some of my lines. I can see how I do hold Tupac in high regard. But I'm not saying his poetry is the greatest. I'm saying that his message is the thing that makes him great. I'll try to incorporate your advice because I take it to my heart. You know, I sometimes do feel that the older members do place themselves on a high horse, above the younger members. But anyway, thank you very much for your advice. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
They don't. It's just an issue of communication, which can sometimes be difficult in an online format. Also, since this is a critique forum, it's essential to be prepared for the fact that some people just might not like it, and some people are fairly blunt and direct in saying so. My best advice for you (and it's something I learned a while ago) is that if you read something you don't think is fair to your work, reread it... and reread your poem... and ask yourself, are they really being unfair? If your feelings or pride are hurt (and I'm not gonna lie, that happens) take a breather, give it some time. In some of your replies you've come off as fairly defensive, and it's not a good demeanor for a critical forum. Good luck, and glad I could help.  |
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mediumrarebrains New Member
since 2003-11-23
Posts 2 |
Kadafi, I like how your poem is circular... by the end, I forgot who the "me" was, but by going back to the top to reread, I immediately had an answer, which gives me the impression that we're back where we started by the end of the poem.The assasination metaphor is interesting too as it evokes the image of a political assasination... and it's interesting that you've chosen the subject of your poem to be the speaker... maybe you could work on developing this somehow, elaborate your personification of justice. I think your poem is sincere, and you wrote what you felt, which is important and can be very challenging at times, especially as we develop and become more aware of what makes poetry tick. But as a few people pointed out, it's kinda difficult to write a poem about politics... it's not something I've ever felt like trying just because I find politics extremely frustrating and murky, and I don't think I'll achieve any greater understanding or expression of the matter through poetry. But then again, I guess one thing to consider is your reason for writing, what motivated you to write this... i think motivation greatly influences the form your expression will take. Secondly, it seems your poem has more the appearance of poem (ie it's vertical and broken into lines), but is not actually that "poetic". This said, the circular nature of your poem does solidify your expression as a poem. Hope my comments are of some help to you... and hush, I think you posted really good comments! [This message has been edited by mediumrarebrains (11-23-2003 10:06 PM).] |
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eulalie New Member
since 2003-11-16
Posts 8 |
"I think it must be very difficult to make a political statement poetically." I just thought I would bring up the important correlation between politics and poetry- really art in general. I'm not saying that all poets have had an important political statement to make, but most of the worlds best poetry, from Dante, to Wordsworth, to Crane and Ginsberg, and even dare I say, Shakespeare have all used current world politics as not only a vehicle in their poetry, but also the reason for writing. I'm sorry for ranting; it just seems to me that politics are as good of a thing to write about as anything else. By the way, how do you guys do that cool quote thing? |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
quote: Read that again. In no way did I say poetrym can't be written about politics, only that it is difficult. Were you trying to imply that this example is of the quality of Dante, Wordsworth, Crane, Ginsberg and Shakespeare? No, I don't think you were. Certainly it is not. It barely ranks as a political rant. That was exactly my point. Whether the reader agrees with the politics or not, if he is honest with himself, this is not good poetry. It requires a lot of work to immitate good poetry. If you agree with the politics then it is fair to say, "Hell of a great political statement there" but you still can't proclaim it good poetry. BTW, I think the quotes you ask about are what we call signatures. Go to the members area and find the signatures box. Put whatever you want in there but it still must comply with the guidelines, harm, profanity, etc. If you do quote someone then be sure to give proper credit. JMHO Pete Illigitimi Non Carborundum [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (11-26-2003 10:30 AM).] |
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
what do you guys suggest? yes, i am asking of your opinion. take this as a change for the better, as a change from the defensive to the more accepting of criticism. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hang on a bit. I have another situation to deal with now but I'll try to get back and offer what little help I can later. This style is not my forte so don't expect too much though. Meanwhile, it looks like Hush is a little interested. You usually can't go wrong listening to her advice. Pete |
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
thanks guys. looking forward for your words of wisdom notapoet |
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