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Critical Analysis #2
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Saying Goodbye
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Saying Goodbye |
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redrobin21865 Junior Member
since 2003-11-09
Posts 12Florida, USA |
Saying goodbye to my mother As I kneel by her side Pain and turmoil I could not hide Saying goodbye to my mother Asking the question "Why" A gentle breeze blowing Causing me to look to the sky Seven white doves flying Peacefully over her grave Giving me the strength To stand so strong and so brave A sign from Heaven Sent from someone above To give me a ray of hope To give me a sign of love The doves sent a message From my mother so dear "With you I will always be I will always be so near When the pain of my departure is strong And you feel you can not take anymore Remember, as the dove flies freely So does my spirit soar" |
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| © Copyright 2003 Lisa D. Morris - All Rights Reserved | |||
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
The sentiment in this is very touching, but the rhymes are a distraction. They are simply too predictable—especially the “love” rhyme. That is one that you should try to avoid altogether. There are not too many things that rhyme with “love” as it is; hence such a rhyme was long ago considered hackneyed. You might consider revising this by writing down all those thoughts you wish to convey, giving no consideration to fixed rhyme, possibly as Blank Verse. (Look that one up on Bob’s Byway http://www.poeticbyway.com/gl-b.html ) Such a format, which concentrates on a fixed meter, would be good practice. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Sid offered some really good advice. My additional suggestion to that would be to maybe single out a few specific things or aspects of the mother you are saying goodbye to, and highlight them. As is, this captures the universal reality of losing a parent. What you could do is focus in on specific traits and personalize this. Hope I've helped. |
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