Hopelessness wonders....( I would like yer input about how to inprove my writing )

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Pollita
Member

since 2002-07-25

Posts 220
the unknown realm of insanity

0 posted 2003-10-18 10:34 AM

The way you look at me,
The things you whisper in my ear...
Sometimes allows me to fear,
The end of you and I even coming near.

Holding me in your arms,
Seeing the expression of eternal adorement in your eyes.
Slowly does it hurt me,
To hide within my lies.

How would life be,
Without you there to complete me...
Do you understand how I feel,
Can't you look through me and see?

Relying upon my patheticness,
Bashes me to the edge of my own insanity,
I cant stand it any longer.
Emotions engraved into me,
Retells how far my hopelessness can wonder...

* A wise monkey never monkies with another monkey's monkey *

renathon
Junior Member

since 2002-06-09

Posts 23

1 posted 2003-10-19 02:52 AM

You use the word "sometimes" and that shows that your feelings about this person's mannerisms aren't strong.  But I know by your failed efforts to be dramatic in other parts of this poem, that you wanted to express that this character did things, that made you fear separation from him or her.

You say that you have lies, but there's little to go on here; I don't know what your lies are, I think maybe you did something naughty and you've been lying about it to this person.  Why does it hurt you slowly?

I think you meant "sanity", not "insanity".  You're going to be "insane", so you're being taken from "sanity" to "insanity".  That part of the poem is confusing in general.  It doesn't take much to fix it, but I think you could do it yourself without anyone's help, just reread it and you'll see how backwards it sounds.

It's one of those poems you write to a lover, it's not a unique piece is all I'm saying.  It doesn't have metaphors or similes which are the most common elements of prose in general.

Roses are red, violets are blue.  Your poem is very literal.  Spice it up some with symbolic representations of this important character in your life and give us more reason to care about him or her.  Also, the whole rhyming thing should not be tried until you have mastered writing prose.  Rhyming and patterned structure requires extra thinking and limits your selection of words and the length of lines and such.  I hardly ever rhyme, except for dramatic effect, it's just too much for beginners to have to worry about making all the lines a certain length and having them end with the same-sounding word.  Plus, they're cheesy unless you're Shakespeare.

River
Senior Member

since 2003-09-16

Posts 627
my own little world

2 posted 2003-10-19 05:02 PM

i can only nod my head in agreement with renathon on this one. it is definatly a good idea to start out with freestyle untill you master your poetic voice after a few years. i couldn't help but think to myself that this reminds me of a lot of poems that i have tried to write that would be really good if i didn't try to force a rhyme. despite all that, i think this poem has good potential. keep working on it buddy, we're all growing at this too! =)

- River

Love hurts as bad as it feels good.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2003-10-19 08:33 PM

I would differ from the others in that I would not necessarily suggest you drop rhyme and concentrate on free verse. But theit arguments do have a lot of merit. There are so many other pieces that make up the puzzle of poetry aht it is extremely important to learn the other, less obvious things. Rhyme, and meter to a lesser extent, are the obvious things that shout out, "this is a poem." But the more subtle elements, imagery specifically, really are at least as important.

If you want to rhyme, as I certainly do, then read a lot of rhyming poetry, post some and you are sure to get feedback on what constitutes a forced rhyme or what might be called a cheap rhyme. It may be hard to understand at first but you will soon figure out what these terms mean and when you have offended the rule against them.

My other suggestion is to check your spelling, punctuation and grammar before posting. If you use a word processor, it should be able to help in this. Otherwise, get a good dictionary.

Pete

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (10-19-2003 08:38 PM).]

Legion
Member

since 2003-07-20

Posts 54

4 posted 2003-10-19 08:52 PM

I wouldn’t turn your back on rhyming just yet.

Almost all good rhyming poetry starts off as either indifferent or even downright bad rhyming poetry, the trick is recognising what makes it bad or indifferent and going back over it to fix the errors.

Take your fist two verses:

The way you look at me,
The things you whisper in my ear...
Sometimes allows me to fear,
The end of you and I even coming near.

Holding me in your arms,
Seeing the expression of eternal adorement in your eyes.
Slowly does it hurt me,
To hide within my lies.

The first verse rhymes abbb, the second rhymes abcb, there’s nothing inherently wrong with either scheme taken in isolation but put them together and the result is a lack of cohesion – it ain’t got no rhythm. My advice is to pick a scheme and stick to it, at least to start with.

The next thing that jumps out and hits you as you read this is the uneven line lengths you don’t need to learn what the difference between a spondee and an iamb is you can use the quick but dirty trick of counting the syllables.

Hope that helps

[This message has been edited by Legion (10-19-2003 08:55 PM).]

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