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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
am I a moment too soon- or ages too late for change? wreathing crying fleeing pestilence have I lost my head- or is the world collapsing all around me? breathing dying seeing violence is this the end- or only the beginning of the end? drowning falling screaming silence [This message has been edited by River (10-19-2003 05:10 PM).] |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
River, I do believe you can cross post here. Poems that are being worked on are not discouraged as a dual post from Open, Dark, wherever, to either CA or Poetry Workshop. These two places are the only exceptions. |
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River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
ok, thanx =) |
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renathon Junior Member
since 2002-06-09
Posts 23 |
Though generally I don't enjoy poems that have a strict configuration, I find myself writing them as well and it works out fine with yours. I have personal problems with uncapitalized words and lack of punctuation, but that may be what you wanted, so it's quite fine. Spelling is a bit off too, but hey, it doesn't affect how it made me feel too much. You ask a lot of questions, three times, but you don't answer them. You don't have answers but you do state ideas about why things are happening. Questions: "Am I a moment too soon?" "Have I lost my head?" "Is this the end?" And then you have ideas as to what might actually be happening. So, if you were trying to show that you're confused, well done. I like that you used the word "Silence." at the end of the poem. Kind of like a moment of contemplation for you and all of us. I don't see the connection between the sets of verbs you use. I thought maybe some were used for specific reasons, but I'm as dumb as a rock so I don't know. Cheers. [This message has been edited by renathon (10-19-2003 01:28 AM).] |
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River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
your right...there is a lack of punctuation =) something i sometimes overlook because i don't always see punctuation as a necisary thing when saying something that is obviusly a question...however i will correct that as soon as i'm done with this...and capitalization...lol, i type so much and it goes faster when i don't, that i have a habit of not doing it...even when i probably should, and that is my bad. =) the sets of verbs, well, the connection that they make, i don't expect everyone to catch on to it. but lets forget the questions for a moment and i will explain that part. "wreathing crying fleeing pestilence" is actually 4 verbs making up an incomplete sentance wich when completed would be more like: "people are wreathing and crying as they flee from pestilence." ...wich brought me to the second question about the world collapsing all around me. "breathing dying seeing violence" i actually edited this part to make the progression of the words make more sense since you can't see anything if you are already dead, (i can't find the book that i wrote that edit in yet) but the main idea of this one was: "one minute breathing, the next minute dying while seeing violence" wich brought me to the question of "is this the end?" "drowning falling screaming silence" was the whole poem that was in my head at first, the rest was an add-on to build the ending and make it more powerful...the whole idea here was: "drowning then falling, then a screaming (deafening) silence." i purposefully left out all of the words like "then" or "the" so that the reader could only see the most important words, and put them together as an image in thier head...wich i'm hoping would make it more interesting. sort of like a simple spelling list that could actually be made into a very powerful sentance. lol, i hope this explains it...does that help you to understand it...or should i put my spelling list away and make whole sentances? thank you for commenting on my poem. =) Love hurts as bad as it feels good. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
River.. I enjoy free verse a great deal and while not in any way an expert, did find this left me wanting. The fact the form is short always leads me to want a concise image or point to the poem that concentrates the readers attention on some key point. I think perhaps trying to say too much in a short free verse poem is as bad or worse than not saying enough. Most of this "critique" I am offering comes from the repeated questions. I have seen and read very few poets who can pull off repeating a number of questions and still hold my interest..and that is only my interest and I am not speaking for anyone but me. Pick one of the questions and or phrase all three into one question..then show me... why I and how I can relate.. not trying to be harsh by any means, just found this to be too much in too few words which left me thinking it lacked a true honing focus on the idea. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
The way you only tag some verbs doubtfully underneath loses a strong grip you get on the reader with the opening question. I think perhaps if you focus on the aspects of the first question and articulate on time and change a bit more here, you may be able to keep that grip on the reader a bit better. [This message has been edited by Essorant (10-20-2003 02:57 PM).] |
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River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
...or maybe i could take the beggining question and the ending statement and make them into two completely seperate poems. the other two sets of verbs i think arn't as good as the ending, and the other two questions could possibly be saved for a different peom, or the one with the ending statement...well, i'll see what i can do anyways. thank you for your help on this Cpat Hair and Essorant...some good advice. i didn't feel like this was a finished work anyways, lol =). - River Love hurts as bad as it feels good. [This message has been edited by River (10-20-2003 11:17 PM).] |
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