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Critical Analysis #2
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IndigoEve
Member
since 2003-01-10
Posts 279
Etched in the illusion of time

0 posted 2003-10-13 04:01 PM


(Thoughts, anyone?)

Taste the essence of summer as it dies
Surreal imbalance of seasoned mischief
Wind religiously lingering
The sky's shrine of unholy martyrdom
Breaking stars upon papered dreams
'Til heaven crumbles and
Relinquishes a whisper, a hint..
Of pure autumnal gold.

Do not let the threads slip under
Fingers. Weaving, unweaving, endless
Pattern of demise.
Threads of souls, bearing marks of thyme.
Herbed abundance in soundless words
Sun is shining, silvery cold

Impassioned lips daunted by tints of Expresso
Wonder how it feels to murmur sweetly
Into the ears of Lady Muse

"Feed me with your delicacies, a yearning for
Painted eyes and knotted hair
Spilling down to waists encompassed by satin
And hands
Lacing themselves 'round rarefied svelteness  
Teaching me to carry my song like liquid glass"

So simply strange, the desperate roads
Collections of dust and thickened country air
Musty with haste,
Suffocated in aromas of Indian summer virginity
Unbroken yet by fall's guilty blush
Quiet, unyielding chill
Take the shorter path, the longer way home

Bones inept to the fluid movement I inflict
Destined to read the inscriptions of a pending
October moon
Dirty gray faces of stars cascading 'round her
Imbued by faded shades of summer
Hues awry
But soon, harvest shall relinquish its maize

Patience, sweet patience,
My sky

Autumn draws unceasingly near.


p.s. if i can't cross post in here, please let me know.


For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.--"Romeo and Juliet"

[This message has been edited by IndigoEve (10-13-2003 04:02 PM).]

© Copyright 2003 Imbued - All Rights Reserved
dorotheaellen
New Member
since 2003-10-13
Posts 7

1 posted 2003-10-13 09:10 PM



Indigo, I am a minimalist
so it is a bit difficult for me
to comment on such a poem as yours
I think though you have it pretty well
over-written

you have lovely images
but they are being swallowed
by all the excess language you
have around them

for instance:

taste summer as it dies
it's seasoned mischief

'stars break on papered dreams'
this is a glorious image

you have outstanding image ability for your age

amost always in poetry
less is more

I enjoyed reading your poem
dorothea

cynicsRus
Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!
2 posted 2003-10-14 12:57 PM


quote:
Thoughts, anyone?)

Taste the essence of summer as it dies
Surreal imbalance of seasoned mischief
Wind religiously lingering

The sky's shrine of unholy martyrdom
Breaking stars upon papered dreams
'Til heaven crumbles and
Relinquishes a whisper,
a hint..
Of pure autumnal gold.

Do not let the threads slip under
Fingers. Weaving, unweaving, endless
Pattern of demise.
Threads of souls, bearing marks of thyme.
Herbed abundance in soundless words
Sun is shining, silvery cold


Impassioned lips daunted by tints of Expresso(sic)
Wonder how it feels to murmur sweetly
Into the ears of Lady Muse

"Feed me with your delicacies, a yearning for
Painted eyes and knotted hair
Spilling down to waists encompassed by satin
And hands
Lacing themselves
'round rarefied svelteness  
Teaching me to carry my song like liquid glass"

So simply strange, the desperate roads
Collections of dust and thickened country air
Musty with haste,
Suffocated in aromas of Indian summer virginity
Unbroken yet by fall's guilty blush
Quiet, unyielding chill

Take the shorter path, the longer way home

Bones inept to the fluid movement I inflict
Destined to read the inscriptions of a pending
October moon
Dirty gray faces of stars cascading 'round her
Imbued by faded shades of summer
Hues awry
But soon, harvest shall relinquish its maize

Patience, sweet patience,
My sky

Autumn draws unceasingly near.


I feel this would work better if stated in the third person rather than the first.

I highlighted all the lines that carry this piece—the most artistic IMO. Some of these are really quite nice, conveying the feeling you want to achieve throughout this one. I’m not necessarily saying to eliminate the rest, though you could without hurting too much. I just think it needs a bit of polish. It is only my opinion. I don’t mind if you wish to disagree.

Never did like the “Lady Muse” reference. I fear it’s well on its way to becoming just one more hackneyed poetic term.

The "Espresso" doesn’t work. Seems anachronistic in this particular poem.



Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com  

[This message has been edited by cynicsRus (10-14-2003 01:09 AM).]

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