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Without You...Lost
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Without You...Lost |
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River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
who am I...but a restless spirit who you are is more than any dictionary can interpret and who am I a mere human and you more mysterius and awsome than the sky where can I find a more wonderful state of mind than to think of you when I get down and blue and how many days does your wonderful grace last in this lifetime? or is it as everlasting as your precius face that makes the sun seem not to shine as bright as it did in my former sight? you are my solid ROCK my firm foundation shepheard of the weakened flock and healer of the nations without you...lost. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Bonnie Sue Bixler - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Bonnie, and welcome to CA. My first comment is, check your spelling. I may be anal about that but I do find it very distracting when a poem appears with spelling and grammatical errors that should have been corrected before posting. Check Mysterious, awesome, precious, shepherd. Next, why ROCK instead of rock? The idea is emphasized enough without shouting at us. Such tricks are rarely effective. They tend to demonstrate internet speak instead. Finslly, you have used several cliched, forced or obscure phrases that detract rather than add to the quality. For example, how mysterious and awesome is the sky? And does a face really make "the sun seem not to shine?" Ok, this is a tribute to probably a lover? As such, it would likely be well received as you have managed to express the sentiment. As such, you have a good start. To make it more meaningful to others though, I think it still needs some work. Thanks, Pete |
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River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
who am I...but a restless spirit who you are is more than any dictionary can interpret and who am I a mere human and you more mysterious and awesome than the night sky where can I find a more wonderful state of mind than to think of you when I get down and blue and how many days does your wonderful grace last in this lifetime? or is it as everlasting as your precious face that makes the sun seem not to shine as bright as it did in my former sight? you are my solid rock my firm foundation shepherd of the weakened flock and healer of the nations without you...lost. lol...thank you soooo much for that...i entered that one at poetry.com (after spell checks, somehow i forgot to save that to my computer) ...and even though i thought it was crap and was entering it for fun, they published it, not just once, but twice, and the second one was an audio version that had only 30 of the best poems on it (supposedly) ...wich is y i put this one on the ca board. =) as for the mysterious sky thing, i was thinking more of...night sky...ya...the whole thing is addressed to, God, actually (if you've read the bible at all, you would know that it is said, his face shines as bright, or brighter than the sun)...the ROCK thing, was actually capitalized because...the word just seemed to shout itself to my mind...and...ho boy do i feel like a rookie right now. lol. so...anyways...i fixed some of the stuff you mentioned, but i need to re-examine the wording and see if i could change anything...wich may take some time...but, again, thank you! |
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