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SPUD
Junior Member

since 2003-09-10

Posts 12

0 posted 2003-09-10 05:41 PM

Right in the middle of something
a screaming woman rocks back and forth
tortured by her pointless fear of death
chewing the palm of her hand to stop the vomit
begging to stay alive for ever and ever...
and not disappear into total empty nothing.
I blink slowly and breath again steady away.
If only aliens would land upon the roof
Id take them to my leader for eternal youth
trade in my skin and blood and bones
for their forever and a day.
If only I could wake up, religious
and believe in someones God
convince myself to pray
eat the right blessed food on the right given day
any old deity will do.
Perhaps my dead relatives could guide me through
or sacred pale fox's who creep in the night
conversing by excreta with my wise man
who will patiently point me to the Amazing
and frankly bloody huge perfect light
as we share a secret ancient brew.
Maybe Ill have all my giblets removed
and sign up for the freezer.
Centuries from now they'll thaw me out
when they've cultivated my stuffing
earned enough interest from my paltry wealth
to rocket us all into heavenly space
and throw in plastic hips for nothing.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2003-09-11 07:57 PM

I like the movement here and the last line, but your voice isn't steady throughout.

Take a look at the beginning again:

quote:
Right in the middle of something

--good first line

quote:
a screaming woman rocks back and forth
tortured by her pointless fear of death
chewing the palm of her hand to stop the vomit
begging to stay alive for ever and ever...
and not disappear into total empty nothing.

I'd drop that adjective in the second line, doesn't seem necessary given the rest of your description, but I also think you should shoot for a little more of the apathetic tone in the later parts. Perhaps switch to the first person here?

It starts out Clive Barker but ends up ee cummings -- go with the cummings.

Legion
Member

since 2003-07-20

Posts 54

2 posted 2003-10-10 07:00 PM

Surely natacts isn't that bad.

Or maybe it is.

Thanks for the read

CW

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