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Critical Analysis #2
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Freezing Sun
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Freezing Sun |
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cuda04 Junior Member
since 2003-09-03
Posts 46Wisconsin,USA |
Has the current ever blown back a decade or more Stumbling jumping hurdling the floor Wishing to go forward to where it began To not love another, to hold fast to their hand Caring indefinitely for someone now dead Wondering if the sun lie behind or ahead Sinking in quicksand soft as one’s faith Praying in silence demoralize debate Thorns of repetition new knowledge retained Weeping softly, laughing insane Conditioned responses customized run Burning tundra pervades to freezing sun |
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| © Copyright 2003 Angie Ziobro - All Rights Reserved | |||
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
It’s a little difficult to visualize a “freezing sun” through the heavy overcast of your mixed metaphors and clichés. This makes for a rather confusing piece. Your inclination to use both perfect and off rhyme only detracts from your obvious attempt to present something different. While rhyming in couplets doesn’t really lend itself to a serious poem anyway, most of your rhymes also appear forced. Lack of punctuation adds even more confusion. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi, I found this intriguing, although I do think it needs some work. In the 6th line, it should be "sun lies" not "lie". I think you've also left out some commas, so some lines do seem jumbled, when a comma would straighten them right out. I think that's the case in the 7th, 8th, and the 10th lines. I also think there's a couple of lines with meter problems. especially the last line...it needs to be shortened a syllable or two, then the flow would be perfect. I liked this, and think it has a lot of potential. Just work with it a little..... Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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