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Critical Analysis #2
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eminor_angel
Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323
Canada

0 posted 2003-08-30 09:01 PM


Parched

My cells scream
For moisture
Osmosis has failed them

My tongue is like a barren wasteland
A graveyard for my saliva
Dry as cursed soil

I close my eyes
For there are no precious liquid tears
To keep my eyeballs from cracking
Disintegrating into dust
Wafting from their sockets

My skin has been flayed
Dead flakes spew like snow
My blood becomes encrusted
Too viscose to seep out
And bathe my dying tissue

The arid desert cannot compare
To my thirst
For even in the desert
It rains every hundred years

© Copyright 2003 eminor_angel - All Rights Reserved
hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
1 posted 2003-09-04 11:50 AM


For the most part, I think this is really good. There are some points were I would omit words, just because they seem like extra clutter, or unnecessary- I'll go through and try to point them out.

'My cells scream
For moisture
Osmosis has failed them'

I really like this opening stanza... it's concise, to the point, and your wording has that impact and hook necessary to make me think "okay, I want to read the rest of this poem." My biggest suggestion here (and in other parts) would be to add some punctuation... maybe a dash or semicolon after 'moisture'? Your line breaks do a pretty good job of pacing me as a reader, but I think punctuation would enforrce that.

'My tongue is like a barren wasteland
A graveyard for my saliva
Dry as cursed soil'

Here, I would omit a couple things (and add some punctuation), so it would read as such:

'My tongue is a barren wasteland-
A graveyard for saliva,
Dry as cursed soil'

I personally don't especially care for the imagery here as much- you use saliza, which to me, doesn't necessarily work as a poetic word- but I see why it's there, to keep with the scientific theme you started with osmosis. In light of that scientific theme, however, cursed soil doesn't make much sense. It seems more sensible that you'd say 'Sahara soil' or make some reference to the weather or climactic conditions that dried it out so much.

'I close my eyes
For there are no precious liquid tears
To keep my eyeballs from cracking
Disintegrating into dust
Wafting from their sockets'

Once again, a couple omissions and punctuation to aid flow:

'I close my eyes
For there are no precious tears
To keep my eyeballs from cracking-
Disintegrating into dust,
Wafting from their sockets'

Biggest thing here is the 'liquid' tears thing... that's self-evident. I'm not of an alien race that cries solid tears... I think it's safe to leave that out.

'My skin has been flayed
Dead flakes spew like snow
My blood becomes encrusted
Too viscose to seep out
And bathe my dying tissue'

Mostly, I like this... my only nits are:

1. What has the skin been flayed by? Whipping winds, the gritty sand...?

2. Not sure the word 'spew' works here, but that's just probably a personal preference thing... it sounds like more of a wet word.

3. Once again, add some punctuation...

'The arid desert cannot compare
To my thirst
For even in the desert
It rains every hundred years'

I think this is a good ending, summarizes the poem and adds a really good sense of scope.

After reading this, I am left with one big question... what is it you're thirsting for? I can only assume it's not a literal thirst for water... in a poem like this, I think it might be overkill to staight out tell us

''The arid desert cannot compare
To my thirst (for love)
For even in the desert
It rains every hundred years'

But maybe you could hint at it here and there in your imagery, give us a faint suggestion to think over?

Neat poem, hope I've helped.


eminor_angel
Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323
Canada
2 posted 2003-09-04 11:46 PM


thanks, i truly like your suggestions!
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