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To Mistress Musespright
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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To Mistress Musespright |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
To Mistress Musespright Dear Mistress Musespright, please thy gale send to this songcraft's famished sail! I pray a draft and me amain for grace to keep touch and keep strain. My timber aches and voyage longs to catch thy moving breath of songs that quits the doubt-drenchflooded frame quickening with voiceful wind and flame. Grant me the force to faster flight; I must find my Master Poemwright! [This message has been edited by Essorant (08-29-2003 02:59 AM).] |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
Good job on rhyming. However, I don't like the jumbled syntax in the first two lines: "Dear Mistress Musespright, please thy gale send to this songcraft's famished sail!" try: "Dear Mistress Musespright, send thy gale to this songcraft's famished sail! |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
eminor_angel Oh! You have omitted the most important word though!! My mistress is gracious but shall nothing vouchsafe if I don't do my p's and q's--my please's and thank you's. How about this: Dear Mistress Musespright, send thy gale please to this songcraft's famished sail!  Thank you for taking a look at my piece. [This message has been edited by Essorant (08-31-2003 10:42 PM).] |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
I dunno, Essorant, I agree that the please is important, but even your new version doesn't quite flow. Perhaps you would consider ommitting the 'dear, thus: Mistress Musespright, please send thy gale Try it, see what works. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
How about this: Mistress Musespright, please send thy gale unto this songcraft's famished sail!?? [This message has been edited by Essorant (09-01-2003 10:32 PM).] |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
awesome! I like that comprimise a lot. |
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