Visiting Memory - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

0 posted 2003-08-25 09:12 AM

Visiting Memory

Every day it
comes to visit,
demanding entrance,
uninvited.

It overwhelms me,
clouding my mind with pain,
like gray clouds in the sky
blocking out the sunlight,
it fills my heart
with sadness.

Overpowered
by the strength of it,
conquered,
I fall upon my bed
and weep.

Legion
Member

since 2003-07-20

Posts 54

1 posted 2003-08-25 09:10 PM

I quite liked this, my only criticism is the repeated cloud reference in consecutive lines and your choice of line breaks. Though I have to admit that line breaks in free verse aren’t exactly my forte the breaks in this poem seemed to detract from the flow rather than add anything to the poem.

This format seems more natural, what do you think?

Every day it comes to visit,
demanding entrance,
uninvited.

It overwhelms me,
clouding my mind with pain,
like gray clouds in the sky
blocking out the sunlight,
it fills my heart with sadness.

Overpowered by the strength of it,
conquered,
I fall upon my bed and weep.

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

2 posted 2003-08-25 10:10 PM

Hi Legion,
Glad you liked the poem, and I see your point. It does seem to flow more naturally your way. Thanks for the good advice.

RomanticPoet
Junior Member

since 2003-08-25

Posts 34
Florida USA

3 posted 2003-08-26 01:15 AM

Very good subject; memories of an obvious heartbreak. I agree though, the flow is better in the reply version. Same content better delivery.....

We write, we learn, we write more......

American & Poet by God's Grace, Patriot & Veteran by Choice!!!!!!!

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

4 posted 2003-08-26 10:01 AM

Gee, last night I had one of those brilliant critiques to deliver (in my mind anyway) but the old computer locked up and I lost it. It was late and I was tired of computers for the day too so I thought instead to do it again today.

Must have been one of those notorious "senior moments" because I woke up completely blank today.

I do like the way you have avoided telling me the root of the problem, leaving final interpretation to me. I found it to be quite interesting. And I do like Legion's line breaks better. I am no expert at such things but they do seem more logical. Not sure though that logic necessarily plays a part in poetry.

Thanks,
Pete

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

5 posted 2003-08-26 12:45 PM

Ms. SO,

I really liked this one...good job. I do agree with Legion about the format, however. I think you expressed the feeling of painful memories very well.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

6 posted 2003-08-26 09:20 PM

Thanks Pete, Kris, Romantic Poet for your input on my poem. I think we are all agreed that Legion's version works much better. I am just so glad that you all basically liked the poem. Makes me feel good, considering I am a newbie here and new at trying this free form style of poetry, although I will be the first to admilt that my old style of poetry left a lot to be desired also. blush
Thanks for the help everyone. It's most appreciated.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.