»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Daydreaming Away.
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Daydreaming Away. |
|
|
MsSouthernOrchid Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192 |
How about something silly and fun to lighten the mood? Any constructive pointers welcome. Lying on my back, content, in a field of wildflowers, sunshine warming my face, my imagination can flow. I can dream up anything, and just blink to make it so. I see smiley faces dangling in the clouds on high, fluffy little faces way up in the sky. I can ride a horse across Heaven his mane trailing in the wind, while a grinning teddy bear peaks out from his lofty den. I can creat anything, go anywhere I want to go, and all I have to do is blink to make it so. I can create lovely places in the workings of my mind. Life, love and happiness, made perfect by design. I can create butterflies in the clouds above. Dainty little creatures that flutter to and fro, any lovely thing my heart desires to know. I can make the world a lovely place to be, let my imagination flow, and just blink to make it so. |
||
| © Copyright 2003 MsSouthernOrchid(Mary) - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Truly helped to lighten things. Brought back fond memories of so many years ago. Even made me feel like a kid for a short time. The only nit I can find to pick with this delightful little piece is the last line of the first stanza seemed just a little like a forced rhyme. Thanks for sharing. Pete |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
But there's no tension here. You begin and end on the same point. I have no problems if you want to use clouds, but make the poem move as the clouds move, not static like a picture -- a photograph. Hmmm, am I showing a bias against the visual arts here? |
||
|
MsSouthernOrchid Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192 |
Hi Pete & Brad, Thanks for giving me some pointers here. Pete,you are right about that 1st stanza. I felt locked into " high" and " sky" because I was at a loss to come up with anything better to use. Yes, it was forced. Glad you liked the poem for the most part, though. Brad, I understand about making the poem move, as you say, but understanding is one thing, doing is another. It's something I will have to work on, among other things. Thank you both again for taking the time to give some good advice. It's most appreciated. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
