»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
pessimistic love and war
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
pessimistic love and war |
|
|
raevynsbreath Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 64Mi, USA |
"oh my love, my darling" i need to throw up. and i was hoping you'd hold the bucket. tie my hair back from my sweaty face. tell me you love me even though i'm covered in my own vomit. and when the projectiles are spit into your face. laugh and tell me it's okay. "i hunger for your touch" and i'm 40 pounds overweight because you decided that you'd spread my legs and just dive in. look what you've put me through. you're not leaving now. because you're stuck. so tell me i look good eating pickles and peanut butter. and be my partner in ballroom dance classes. because you love me. "we all had a reason to be there. we all had a thing or two to learn." so take my hand. and walk on by. say goodbye. and remember it as clearly as hello. close my lid. lower me down. you've killed me now. "time goes by so slowly, and time can do so much." |
||
| © Copyright 2003 _rae - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
grassy ninja Junior Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 41Kentucky |
i really like the first two stanzas of this poem. the quotations of "unchained melody" are very effective followed by your incredibly realistic descriptions. i like the even mix of imagery and story-telling here. "we all had a reason to be there. we all had a thing or two to learn." in stanza three, i kind of feel like the focus is lost. is the third quote from unchained melody? admittedly, i don't know very many of the words besides the chorus, but i don't know what the third quote is from, so i suppose that detracts from my enjoyment of that stanza. so take my hand. and walk on by. say goodbye. the third stanza is also lighter on the imagery and doesn't tell much more of what is going on in the speaker's life, or why. i get the impression that the speaker is being left by her lover, but i don't know why. i also have a hard time understanding the taking of the speaker's hand if the lover is walking away. if it's meant to be abandonment on an emotional level, i think there should be some more clues to this. and remember it as clearly as hello. close my lid. lower me down. i like these lines as a conclusion to the poem, but i think the third stanza needs more of what was in the first two before you conclude it. you've killed me now. the final line i don't like as a conclusion. it seems kind of meaningless with everything else you've said. the few critiques aside, i really enjoyed this poem. i think it's my favorite of yours that i've read so far. good luck. "time goes by so slowly, and time can do so much." |
||
|
Brigid WillowKeeper Member
since 2003-08-24
Posts 88OHIO IN USA |
It is pretty good. Very...um...detailed. I agree, the technique changes in the third stanzaa. The third is good, the first to are good, but not together. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
