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Ford
Junior Member

since 2003-05-11

Posts 12
Arkansaw

0 posted 2003-07-28 07:06 PM

A man alone-
Wanders the streets of colored gold.
Empty thoughts enchant his mind.
He smiles, and wishes for a chance to find,
That of which will never be.
He shakes his head, and turns from the cold,
And again walks, mindlessly.
A man alone, no more-
Sits on the sand, with her in hand.
He says,"I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have wings, to take you into the night."
She just laughs and turns away,
And says,"A flight I hadn't planned,
But maybe we will, someday."
A man alone-
Cries his thoughts to the moon.
He says,"You know, your lucky to be way up there.
I was wondering, would you be willing to share?
The moon just laughs and shakes his head.
"You would wanna leave pretty soon,
After hearing a thousand men, say what you just said."

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

1 posted 2003-07-30 12:17 PM

Hi,

I really liked this up to "cries his thoughts to the moon"....then the last few lines didn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem. I think if you work on the ending, you'd have a really great piece of work.

Kris (warmhrt)

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

raevynsbreath
Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 64
Mi, USA

2 posted 2003-07-30 04:24 PM

this was a good poem. the ending is, however, a bit short. maybe add on a bit, make it more and see what happens and where it goes.

Ankaria
Junior Member

since 2003-07-26

Posts 35
Sask. Canada

3 posted 2003-07-31 08:36 PM

This is a nice poem and has a lot of good thought, But I think your desire to rhyme has taken away from it. It would do better as ABBA rhyme scheme maybe? I think the idea is there but maybe you are jumping around a little too much. The fact that you change the direction several times makes me wonder if you kept changing your mind? Overall it's pleasant to read. Keep on with your work!

Ankaria
"Is all we see or seem, but a dream within a dream?"
-Edgar Allen Poe

Ford
Junior Member

since 2003-05-11

Posts 12
Arkansaw

4 posted 2003-08-01 10:01 AM

Thank you all very much for your responses and suggestions, I appreciate them alot.

Ankaria- I was a little confused about what you said I was doing wrong, do you think you could point out a spot or two where I changed direction so that I might be able to fix it or something? Thanks again

Ford

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