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Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

0 posted 2003-07-24 05:50 PM

Other Creatures' Ease

Ant:

What need to have humans around
when they make such mess and confound
in their business and in machines found
and make other earthlings so bound
to please their freedom?
Did Mother bid ordnance, ask for
poisonous draughts and weeds of war
and swards be drenched with obscene gore
to make engrossed with these time's lore?
Nay, for why would the maker design
Human to cause this world decline?
And not make all beasts help pollute
bereave and make things destitute?
Not God nor Earth, but human thought
has all evils and vice begot.
Disobedience, so rife
with such ignorance stoops all life.
It is arrogance, it is a blast
of idle elation full cast
in human pride fond of increase
of him, and scant of other species.
His money, his business, and bliss
and all the world else must serve this?
God save us from these viced tyrants
these traitors and these miscreants
who ask of you and yet make war
and then look for peace at their door.
What of our ears, and of our eyes
that feel self greatness in small size?
under these beasts of smoke and grease;
what of the other creatures' ease?

[This message has been edited by Essorant (07-24-2003 06:10 PM).]

green_itchy_stuff
Senior Member

since 2003-06-26

Posts 1929
New Caney, Tx

1 posted 2003-07-25 01:30 AM

im not much for analysis but as far as im concerned this is a nice poem and you should be proud of it

grassy ninja
Junior Member

since 2003-07-20

Posts 41
Kentucky

2 posted 2003-07-31 06:29 PM

i've kind of avoided critiquing this poem, but now, as i sit down to write this, my main question to myself is "why?"
this is a well-written poem, but i think some stanza breaks would make it a lot more readable.  i also think that using the word "nay" to mark the transition in your argument here is highly ineffective.  it doesn't match the language of the rest of the poem.  it's like i'm suddenly in a renaissance fair.

"It is arrogance, it is a blast
of idle elation full cast"

these lines, i feel, don't say anything that hasn't already been implied earlier in the poem.  they seem kind of empty, and i had to read them a few times to understand what you meant by blast.

"What of our ears, and of our eyes
that feel self greatness in small size?"

these are my favorite lines of the poem.  light on the imagery, but heavy on meaning.

a couple of other suggestions: i think the rhyme scheme also makes this poem harder to read than it should be.  the aaaa bbbb cccc rhyme scheme makes the reader try to keep four lines in her head at once, and that shifts the focus from meaning and feeling to sound.  to me, this is not a poem that is about sounds.
i think the subject and the ideas are interesting.  i just have a hard time with the expression.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

3 posted 2003-08-02 03:16 AM

You make mindworthy points.
Thank you for taking the time to read and critique.

Essorant

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