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Critical Analysis #2
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Why?
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Why? |
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
When will we wonder why? Ask the people why they die. I pity those who have no heart. Acting like feelingless monsters from the start. Why didn't you cry? Your sister happened to die. No, nothing will change. Everything will stay the same. The gangs will always fight, claiming they struggle for what is right. Standing up for senseless destruction. Not caring for anything from the introduction. Forget everything, you'll only die for your gang. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Jorge Vega - All Rights Reserved | |||
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
You know, Kada...this really isn't bad. However, I think you just try too hard to rhyme. This could be much more effectively stated if you'd drop some of the rhyming words because they just sound forced anyway. The first couplet, I think is an effective beginning and sets the premise. The next line sounds effective as well. In L 4, you begin to lose my interest. Find a better word for feelingless. Drop “from the start,” it’s forced. IMO, you should reverse Ls5&6 and fix the meter as in: Why is it that you didn’t cry As you watched you sister die. Just an example of tightening the meter a bit. You have to write it from your heart. Ls 7&8 are redundant in my mind, but could be effective if you’d separate them, i.e. use one or the other towards the end, to emphasize your premise. Ls 9-13: Suppress your desire to rhyme. Work instead on tightening the meter. I think you could sharpen your Poetry skills if you’d practice with Blank Verse technique, as described in http://www.poeticbyway.com/gl-b.html But, do continue writing. Sid@cynicsRus.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (07-31-2003 11:36 AM).] |
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
thanks for your comments friend, every single one helps me grow |
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Ramjam Junior Member
since 2003-11-23
Posts 21 |
I lik this too an dat man sids comets are gr8 specialy the link he gave which wuz gr8 help. I agree wit sid bout the ryme it seems to much but I ubdrestand the messge of the poem is sumtimes u give ur lives 4 wut u thik is the right cause lik this relly big big thing but then you find out wen ur dead dat it was like totaly insigificant. I likd this poem a lot it talked to me man. best rj |
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