If All Else Fails (New to CA - Be nice if possible)

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Critical Analysis #2

If All Else Fails (New to CA - Be nice if possible)

just a junkie
Member

since 2003-03-04

Posts 53

0 posted 2003-07-01 05:56 PM

If All Else Fails

Lying on a bed of nails
That pierce my tender skin
Load me up with concrete blocks
Soaked in last night's Gin
Depress the switch that kills the sun
Which burns my tired eyes
Expose the clouds and poisoned rain
While circling the skies
Drowning in a misty haze
In a land where no one lives
In a church where no one prays
And takers never give
Breathing becomes a full time job
Hearts skip a beat
Shattered souls refuse to sob
And sinners take their seat
Casting stones with broken arms
Through waves of self deception
Inflating egos mighty charms
Behind discolored perception
Blood crawls down my back
From lying on the nails
Wearing a grin you could never crack
And I'll die if all else fails.

Just A Junkie

Ladybug
Member

since 2003-06-17

Posts 236
Massachusetts

1 posted 2003-07-02 10:07 AM

Hi Just a Junkie! Nice poem, you have some great lines, like: "Casting stones with broken arms" -- very cool.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

2 posted 2003-07-02 11:06 PM

You do almost half of this poem in a relatively controlled pattern of metric feet.
Right about L 10, you begin to veer off the path you've set. I don't really think that's bad, in fact that could be viewed as purposeful modulation, but when the metric flow begins to drop off, as in L 14, then it begins to detract from the overall poem--which in IMO has some pretty good imagery. If you would hold the meter to a slightly more regular pattern, I think you could keep interest focused enough for anyone to want to reread this one.

Sid

just a junkie
Member

since 2003-03-04

Posts 53

3 posted 2003-07-04 07:48 PM

Thanks Cynic.....I will work on it.
Just a junkie

SCREAMIN
Member

since 2003-04-28

Posts 51
US, Tx

4 posted 2003-07-04 10:15 PM

i very much enjoyed it. your irony is beautiful!! thanks for the read.

Such tears in a time of need, is not a reasonable term of sanity. It is but a reasonable term of human imperection. Normal is what you make it, same i

kadafi09
Member

since 2003-06-17

Posts 143
California, United States

5 posted 2003-07-06 08:11 PM

i liked it.

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