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Without the Oak Shade
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Without the Oak Shade |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts 
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Without the Oak Shade 06/28/2003 In the vacant desert I found you, a sturdy oak among the cactus; Yet, you didn’t seem out of place. Your unparalleled beauty intrigued me, and I found comfort in your roots. Entangled in your words, I was helpless. Oh, how I searched for this. A cloth hung from your highest bough, and I begged for a closer look. You slipped the noose around my neck, and with each word, you pulled tighter, firmer. I was breathless. Oh, how I longed for this. My fingers gripped your limbs. I caressed your leaves as you held me high above the ground, safe in your branches. I was weightless. Oh, how I yearned for this. Then, without warning, I felt you snap beneath me, leaving me to swing in your silence. I am wordless. Oh, how I wish you could hear my cries. Your bark crumbles with decay, and I am left holding your ash -- remembering how you once held me. I am unshaded. Oh, how I fear the burning sun. --------------------------------------- (I wrote this for a fellow poet. It is supposed to be her speaking to a close friend who has suddenly disappeared from her life, and didn't give any explanation or warning.) Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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| © Copyright 2003 Shannon - All Rights Reserved | |||
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
nice poem. it is well written. |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Thanks, Kada! Haven't seen you around in a while, nice to hear from ya!  Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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just a junkie Member
since 2003-03-04
Posts 53 |
This is nice Ladybug. I enjoyed reading it. Where in Massachusetts are you from? I'm in Ma. too. Just a Junkie |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Thanks, Junkie! I'm in Attleboro, where are you from?  Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... [This message has been edited by Ladybug (07-07-2003 07:28 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Shannon, I'm sorry for being so slow in getting to this one. I thought the personification was very good and it is overall well written. I found the juxaposition of the oak and the dessert a bit of a strech. Although it was enjoyable, I was not personally drawn into it. Sorry I don't have any concrete suggestions other than makn it a bit more personal for the reader (e that is) but then it may be just me anyway. Pete |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Thanks, Pete. I appreciate your comments. I agree that it is a bit of a stretch to see an oak in a desert, but this was partly my intention. You see, the person represented by the oak was sort of "out of the ordinary" to the person I wrote this for (speaker)... I wrote this for a friend, about her relationship with the "oak" -- she had been misunderstood, or pricked by many cactus (cacti?) til this "oak" came along. Thanks for your honest feedback, always appreciated! Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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ambrish Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 257India |
a very passonate poem revealing the heart's emotions. |
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just a junkie Member
since 2003-03-04
Posts 53 |
Hey Ladybug, I'm not too far away - I'm in Lunenburg. I'm out of work for a couple of days here. I just had some minor surgery. I'm going back to work tomorrow. Do myou have the WHOLE summer off? That would be the best. Although, after dealing with a bunch of other peoples kids all year, just getting the summer off may not be enough. In any event, I wish you a great summer. Just a Junkie |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Thanks, Ambrish!  Junkie, I do have the whole summer off, hee hee. And so does my boyfriend (also a teacher) so we are just relaxing in our house, wasting time on our computers, lol. Yes, teaching is a wonderfully rewarding job, but boy, do we neeeeeeeeed our summers! Thanks again, and I hope you have a great summer too! Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
I get your intent but your modifier for oak/him in a desert ... it's not a good one. Your intent must be a workable one... You're isn't. How about something like... I found you, a sturdy oak among the young pine. This leaves room for being pricked, but instead of by cactus, pricked by pine/pine needles. Still, only the author would understand the being pricked part because it's not clear to the reader. What I get from most of your responses is that you have a lot going on in that head of yours yet it doesn't make it to page. You often tell the reader what you meant by something yet that something isn't there (It's in your head); making the reader feel they had to be there... Take us there. Anyway, just my thoughts. Regards, Always Lisa |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Thanks, Always Lisa. You have a good point! I think the problem is that I wrote this for a friend, so I didn't realize how much I needed to elaborate. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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MsSouthernOrchid Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192 |
Hi LadyBug, I have read a couple of your poems and liked them, but I like this one the best so far. Maybe I feel myself there. I think it is perfect the way it is. |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Thanks, MsSouthernOrchid! I appreciate you taking the time to read my poems, and I'm glad you enjoyed this one! And, hee hee, I agree...after giving it some thought, I do like this the way it is. Thanks for the encouragement and I hope to see you around! Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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