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Critical Analysis #2
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On Death
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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On Death |
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sadpoet Junior Member
since 2003-05-29
Posts 10Tx, USA |
The wind, it whispers of the dead, of tight-clasped hand and shrouded head. It speaks so soft to tell of those who've gone before to long repose. "The Earth provides their shelt'ring nest to hold them through thier pallid rest. The hard-packed dirt and stony tomb also serve as Eternity's womb. When thunder roars and the mountains shake the sleeping dead will then awake. Their souls shall rise and heaven see, and voices rise from thier jubilee." Heartened by this lucid breath I saw New Light in looming death. I raised my head and looked on high then gave a gasp and closed my eye. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Joe Cook - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Hello; I liked this, and thought it was very well couched in its flow and rhyme. The wind being called "Lucid breath" in the last stance seems a token of acknowledging the rounding of the wind as an actual voice making a revelation. It works very well in any sense. Nicely done. Essorant [This message has been edited by Essorant (06-26-2003 03:41 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Joe, I liked it too but then I am a fan of this form anyway, rhyming couplets in iambic (almost) tetrameter, but only when well done. It can be a challenge to pull this off, particularly when delaing with a rather somber subject. You have done a pretty darn good job here, IMHO. Now for some nit picking. In line 5 you misspelled their and in L8 the meter falls apart. (I'll try to come back to that later if I get any good ideas.) Leave the out of L9 to perfect the meter. Then in L12 their is again misspelled. Better still, drop their completely from the line to again pefect the meter without losing anything of value. Finally L13 is missing its initial unstressed syllable. In this case, I think the deviation is quite acceptable as it contributes to the effect by serving to emphasize the introduction of a new and important thought. Then i L14, the second foot is really spondaic. Again I believe that inhances the tension at that point and adds to the poetic value. Overall an excellent offering. Thanks for sharing. Ok, back to L8. I haven't come up with anything suitable but try starting with something like, will function as Eternity's womb. This says about the same thing. Now I don't like this wording at all and I'm you can do better for it with a little effort but it does point out the metric difference. Pete |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
You follow a perfect iambic meter until you get to L 8, then you suddenly trip up. I'd rewrite as possibly: serve also as eternal womb. (Means essentially the same thing.) Then, in lines 9 and 12, eliminate "the" and "their" respectively, as per Pete's suggestion, to maintain the well controlled meter you began with. Also, in L 12, "and" sounds redundant since this line's a continuation of L 11--where "and" is also used. Suggestion: Change to while, or as. Finally, also in L12; I think you're trying to convey voices rising "in" or "into" jubilee rather than from, (or "out of") jubilee. MHO, of course, but I think this poem's worth reworking. It's very good writing and with very little effort, can be much better. Sid [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (06-29-2003 11:51 AM).] |
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