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Critical Analysis #2
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Sensations
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Sensations |
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Shadows of Time Junior Member
since 2003-06-24
Posts 14 |
The slowing breaths you took The panic and overwhelming distraught subsided As I held you close Your intoxicating fragrance filled my lungs The warmth you radiated I rocked your body slowly, comforting you Trying to ease the trembling you were experiencing Nothing was said, nothing was heard Save for the gasps between your tears The trickling flow soaked my shoulder as you rested you head The darkness embraced us As I embraced you And held you close |
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| © Copyright 2003 Shadows of Time - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Dear Shadows, You describe the scene well, but I think (in my humble opinion) that you need to pare it down a bit. For instance: "The slowing breaths you took The panic and overwhelming distraught subsided" These two lines could even be brought down to the following, without losing the basic ideas: Your breaths slowed, the panic subsiding, (I'll go on......) I held you close as your intoxicating fragrance filled me, body heat warmed me, Do you see my idea about paring down, and how it brings out the poetic feeling? I hope I have helped....in the end it is always you who is the poet. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu [This message has been edited by warmhrt (06-25-2003 01:41 PM).] |
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