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Critical Analysis #2
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The Furnace
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Furnace |
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V. Tomir Junior Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 20 |
The Furnace Though dark clouds waft and carrion above my head; ash and pain and void of rain - I will silently complain about the weight of my brother’s body or lack thereof straining my still useful arms. I watch him burn; his head shaved clean by barbarous flames that wiltly crawl from top to toes till all that’s left is smoke and bones. We bury them, plot them all in the sky. One by one they slowly climb from out the stack and float on by. If you look hard enough you can see faces and figures form. My brother is a horse galloping on the blue, untamed and unsaddled, unbroken once again. As a boy I chased after him - bleating the chorical song of the whiny tagalong, tugging and pulling till I fell to my knees and cried as he disappeared down the street. [This message has been edited by V. Tomir (06-08-2003 06:30 AM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Mr Tomir, One of my responsibilities as a moderator of this forum is to welcome new members. This is a part of the job that I enjoy. In your case, however, I feel compelled to reserve judgement on that pleasure. If you continue at your present rate, I don't expect you to last long. I don't know or care what other forums you may be familiar with but you obviously either declined to read our guidelines, you simply don't care or you have decided to test the determination of the moderators to keep PIP a friendly place. I assure you that we are determined. The purpose of the CA forum, as its name implies, is to submit poetry for constructive criticism. The obvious reason for doing so is to learn from the knowledge and experience of our other members and improve our own writing skills. Your own critiques have already become a cliche, "there is absolutely nothing original in this." Come one now, where is the originality in your writing above? I think the almost cut and paste critique you have applied to so many others today would just as appropriately apply to yours. It is true that writing skills vary with the writer. It is just as true that critiquing skills vary with the critic. I have yet to see anything posted here (or anywhere else for that matter) that I would consider perfect. This applies to critiques as well as poetry. But certainly some are better than others. A critique, at least as we define it here, should normally provide something useful. Not all can be positive and, even when generally positive, there is usually still some room for improvement. The critic may not have the skill or knowledge to point out those possibilities. But in no case is this forum intended as a platform from which to demonstrate one's skill at inappropriate and offensive sarcasm. I encourage you to read the guidelines thoroughly. All members are expected to abide. You agreed to do so when you joined. You might just read in the forums a while before jumping to post if you aren't sure how PIP works. Above all else, respect and tolerance are not only expected but demanded. Pete |
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raevynsbreath Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 64Mi, USA |
mr. tomir. in order to obtain wisdom, one needs experience. and after the display and chaos you've caused on this forum, i have to say, i'm surprised. your work is not as i expected it to be. it shows no real emotion, which it needs. the horse part is a bit out there away from what you've started the poem in. if you want to talk about your brother then do it, but i suggest to not go off about others and vice versa. if you are only out for attention, be rest assured, mr. tomir, you have our interest. you also have, however, our disgust. i hope this helps. good luck and good day. _rae |
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V. Tomir Junior Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 20 |
Mr. Poet If you are trying to offend me, especially in your opening paragraph then you'll have to try a little bit harder. I couldn't care less if you welcomed me here or not so please save the attempt at child psychology for your understudy. Sarcasm, who's being sarcastic? There is some really bad poetry here, borderline criminal and you should be thanking me for telling these people such before they become dillusioned enough to think that their work is acceptable for publication. I've read your guidelines and I hardly think that instructing someone to throw out their poem, read about the craft and then attempt to write a good poem, is a personal attack. I don't think I should, nor shall I, feel guilty for being direct and honest. As far as my writing above, if you really expect me to believe that my poem should be catagorized with the majority of the work posted here, than I dare say that perhaps you as well should learn more about the craft before commenting on poetry. Regards. |
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V. Tomir Junior Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 20 |
Mrs. Breath If I thought you understood poetic techniques I would probably think hard and careful about my poem after reading your post. But since it is more than apparent that you do not understand poetry very well I shall do no such thing. As for the lack of emotion, that is the tone I wished to set. For your information not every poem has to "come from the heart" and be riddled with teen angst. Regards. |
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Gina Culliney Member
since 2003-03-08
Posts 170 |
well, as a professional and published novelest, I face your kind every day in this field that I work in. You may think you have your flawless techniques down to a science, but I am here to tell you now that no editor or puiblisher in their right mind would want you under a contract because of such unprofessional attitude and lol forgive me, egomanic trip. If you would get your head out of yourself long enough to look around you, you will find many raw talent and future writer's here on the site, as I have. It is not all about technique,that is merely only half of it, the majority of it consists of talent. And reading your poem through the eyes of an editor, you lost my interest on the first line and if you are as snide with your work as you are toward your fellow writer's then I would definitely give you the old line of don't call us we will call you. Brush up on your people skills and maybe then your work will improve immensely. This is not meant to harass you in any way, it is merely, how it is in this field, on a professional level. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Offend you Tomir? You misunderstand the purpose of my advice just as you misunderstand our guidelines. My intent not to offend you and it certainly was not child psychology although I must say you have been acting in a pretty childish manner. It was, instead, advice on how one is expected to conduct oneself in this forum. Those guidelines will become rules if they are bent or twisted too far. You are entitled to your own opinion that there is some really bad poetry here, regardless how valid or ridiculous that opinion may be. But I have not seen anyone so delusional as to claim their work is entitled to be published. And regardless of the quality of the work or how superior a critic may feel himself, I will never thank an egotistical snob, or anyone else for that matter, for being totally disrespectful of our members. Actually, I couldn't care less whether you feel guilty or not or whether you feel offended at this point. And yes, I have a lot to learn about poetry but I simply cannot proclaim this example of yours to be significantly superior to much of what you have so far sacrimoniously denegrated. My advice to you is short and simple. Start now treating all or members with the proper respect or you will quickly find yourself gone. Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (06-08-2003 08:51 PM).] |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
You could use some work on your imagery in this. The opening stanza is awkward, and the flow is a bit stilted. Are you angry with your brother? Jealous? BTW, critiquing is not the same as being critical, and there is no place for rudeness in this home. Well, I came back to add another comment, as I just read a lot of your replies to other postings in here, and it seems as if you have a very high opinion of yourself and your work, and have chosen rudeness as your modus operendi...(please feel free to correct the spelling, as I'm not a Latin scholar). Personally? I hope you choose a different poetry forum site to haunt, as most here don't appreciate what you call critiquing. [This message has been edited by Midnitesun (06-09-2003 11:55 AM).] |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
So sorry Mr. Tomir, but there is nothing new or original in this composition. I don't see what "dark clouds," "pain," or "horse" add to the piece. They add nothing and the whole macabre writer wallowing in a violent and disturbing past and using words like "carrion," "burn," and "bones" schtick has been beaten to death with a dripping black candle. All this leaves me wondering is why, after reading this, a reader would care about your poem. Regards. [This message has been edited by hush (06-10-2003 12:14 AM).] |
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SCREAMIN Member
since 2003-04-28
Posts 51US, Tx |
I could see the fire and the body, so the imagery was alright. I was feelin it until the horse thing. Telling us that you're brother is a horse is strange. Maybe it would have been better to say that you're brother is as a horse. |
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Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
V. Tomir, You should pay attention to the voices of agitation you have caused in this forum. You haven't yet commented on one of my poems, so I am not saying these things out of personal offense ... but then again, I haven't posted one here in Critical Analysis in a while. I think you would probably rip my stuff apart as well. It's not so much what you say, but how you say it. It is just my opinion (take it for how it may benefit you socially), that you seem to take pleasure from agitating and insulting others ... not merely criticizing their works. Would you really like for others to critique your poetry in the same manner that you do theirs? "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you" ... It's a great maxim to live by. And it doesn't turn everything into patronising slush either. I am sure you would not have others unduly praise what you write without some honest criticism. So you can still offer some wisdom and critique without the stinging acidity of your replys. Stephen. |
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wranx Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689Moved from a shack to a barn |
Altogether, there is some nice "cremation" imagery in this piece. But, I find that your use of grammar and (good lord!) spelling detracts from its worth as a serious write. Oh! Me? I ain't nobody either. I just like reading really good poetry. (there's a bunch of it here, if you take the time to read). So, I would LOVE to have you critique me. Really! You can underscore for me just how pedestrian a poet, I am. |
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wranx Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689Moved from a shack to a barn |
Hmmm. Seems that I got to the party a little late. Just read THE most interesting post here. Trevor? you just stirred up a bunch of killer bees dude, and I found myself buzzing right along. In my comment above, I was hoping that "Vare" would make "wranx" his new hobby, as wranx could really give damn. Anyway, I've found this entire thing to be most entertaining and enlightening. Ed... |
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Foxyoasis Senior Member
since 2003-06-10
Posts 974Atlantic Beach,Fla |
what is your problem v tomir? i mean these people are nice enough,and you act like a 4 year old. i agree with some people have already stated get your head out of your ** and youl see that they were right. Regards. Fool me once shame on you.....Fool me twice shame on me..... [This message has been edited by Foxyoasis (06-11-2003 07:55 PM).] |
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raevynsbreath Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 64Mi, USA |
foxy, maybe you should read the apology from mr.tomir. it might help you understand the situation a little better. good day. _rae |
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