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Critical Analysis #2
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I Am
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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I Am |
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Seth Member
since 2003-04-13
Posts 74Arizona 
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I Am Oh to be free Of deaths dire limitation To make amends for all that is lacked If we could just breath so deeply that we drown We would sop this embrionic flesh like a rag Trace a thin silver line Back to infinity Then begin, Quite simply Moving the limbs of God. [This message has been edited by Seth (05-29-2003 12:19 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Joshua Douglas Hurst - All Rights Reserved | |||
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
Only thing I can't stand about this... breath should be breathe. And.. 'flesh like a rag' seems to me like it would sound better with a different word than 'like' maybe as would be better. Apart from that... I'm not the poet to critique you. I like it. Always, Alyssa - And so it was that time stood still - |
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Seth Member
since 2003-04-13
Posts 74Arizona |
This is my second posting of this poem. I have made a couple small changes and then waited a while to post it again. Thanks for your advise. More would like more critique as I will be soon posting the finished work. Seth [This message has been edited by Seth (06-03-2003 03:44 PM).] |
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raevynsbreath Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 64Mi, USA |
okay. i have some different ideas for ya here. deaths should be death's. you're talking about what belongs to death. lacked is sounding strange to me. lacking might be an easier word to use. you don't really need the comma after begin. it's not neccessary. it's up to you. i hope this helps a bit. _rae |
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V. Tomir Junior Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 20 |
Mr. Seth Well at least you had a couple interesting lines at the end. My advice is discard all the boring jumbled psuedo poet wanna be self contridicting junk at the beginning and build from the last few lines up. Don't try so hard to make the poem sound like poetry. Regards. |
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Seth Member
since 2003-04-13
Posts 74Arizona |
Welcome to pip. Tact is among other things, a quality one should attempt to cultivate. There is nothing psuedo about my poetry. Everything I write comes from and honest desire for change. You are correct when saying that poetry doesnt have to come from the heart, riddled with teen angst. But honesty is something poetry requires, and honesty is something that both you and your poetry lack...in a very obvious way. I dont expect you to last long here at pip, where the poets are trying to better eachother. Stop trying to be something your not. Try listening to Fionna Apple for a change and give your cd player a break from TOOL. Your not Maynard though wish you were and you dont show the talent to be so critical. As I said, I dont expect to see you here much longer...I remember meeting people like you, but I havent seen them since the sixth grade..... disregards, Seth [This message has been edited by Seth (06-08-2003 06:54 PM).] |
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