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davidmerriman
Member
since 2003-04-30
Posts 123
Dallas, TX

0 posted 2003-05-22 04:59 PM


Arranged in lines, us battered souls march on,
To undisclosed locations far away.
For failing tribulation burdens strong,
Our backs they crack like sunrays through the gray.
We still march on, though failed we did the test.
Now never will we eternally rest.

A stench infests the air in which we breathed,
With groans of death that swell within the ear.
Exploding throats of those who were decieved,
The sights and sounds of those that Hell draws near.
We watch the flames that lick and lap the shore,
For lakes of phospur burn forever more.

Magnesium in water that we drink, -
A dark, cold fire that burns our every pore.
With sight and taste the breath of death and stink
Surrounds this land of waste that I abhor.
But yet my soul is blinded by a blight
Too dark for any rational insight.

And in this blur of evil dismal dark,
Distinguished sights and sounds cannot be formed.
Remembering of Heralds and their Hark,
For never was this hidden God adorned.
Salvation is too far away to sense,
In Hell, my soul will lie forever hence.

Could I have seen His glory until now,
Or known that words of men could mean so much?
Could I believe the powers He endowed
Those Holy men who's God's hand did once touch?
Now looking back it matters not, I'm damned.
My swirling soul into the fire it slammed.

[This message has been edited by davidmerriman (05-22-2003 06:07 PM).]

© Copyright 2003 David Merriman - All Rights Reserved
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
1 posted 2003-05-23 01:03 AM


Very Close David. I found one line way off,
quote:
Now never will we eternally rest.

and one line that is marginal
quote:
Too dark for any rational insight.

in that in insight should be stressed on the first syllable.

Also, I found this line a little awkward.
quote:
Those Holy men who's God's hand did once touch?
and would suggest thisnsubtle change.
   Those Holy men who's God's hand once did touch?
As it simpley flows a little smoother, that is, it is more natural to emphasize once in this context than did.

As an added thought, I think you have an excellent start here. Except for the relatively minor infractions I mentioned, it looks quite good to me. Well the first one may not be minor. I would like to see more enjambment here though. So many lines, where each is more or less a complete clause or even phrase, tends to become almost monotonous. You could easily correct this with enjambment.

Thanks for the excellent read,
Pete

Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
2 posted 2003-05-23 09:54 AM


Ah, David...iambic! You're playing my song. I admire anyone who tries to tackle it. I'll shoot straight from the hip since, apparently, that's what you want by posting here.

Over all, you have done an excellent job with most of the lines. You've captured the meter and flow of iambic very well. There are only a few areas where the poem is lacking....

As Pete pointed out, the "Now never will we eternally rest" is unacceptable. To read it the way it is written would be "now NEVer will we eTERnalLY REST." (-'----'-'') - a far cry from iambic. The solution would be "Now never will we know eternal rest."

Magnesium....I have a problem with that word a little. To me, the most difficult part of writing iambic is getting the feel of how it will be read. Yes, we know how WE read it but how will the reader read it? There are words can can be read differently with different syllable counts. In this word I can picture you there (as I have done many times) saying "magNEsiUM - good iambic. But what if the reader read it as "magNEsium"? three syllable instead of four, since one rushes through the last two syllables to create one sound. Other similarities would be FIeld or FIELD, LOwered or LORD, etc. In your own poem here, you have used "failing" as two syllables and "failed" as one syllable - and you were right in doing so because that's the way they are read, even though, structurally, they each contain another syllable. Magnesium falls into that range. It's acceptable but I just wanted you to see how, for me personally, it came out one syllable less which threw off the rest of the sentence in my mind. Pete's example of "To dark for any rational insight" follows similar lines..he found it awkward. Why? Because the word "rational" is not spoken "RAtionAL", rather RAtional...and "insight" does indeed have the accent on the first syllable..so, by doing it your way you have RAtionAL INsight, where the iambic breaks down on IN, or, by my way RAtional INsight, where the iambic breaks down by the successive unaccented syllables "tional" - can't win in either case.

The biggest problem I have with this poem is the one that gives Iambic, and rhyming poetry in general, a very bad name and that is using extra words for the sole purpose getting the form right. Nothing cheapens a poem more.....and we all do it.

Our backs THEY crack
though failed we DID the test.
who's God's hand DID once touch?
My swirling soul into the fire it slammed.

These are words that obviously are there to maintain syllable counts only and take away greatly from the quality of the poem.

Criticizing without offering possible solutions is worthless. Allow me to suggest some alterior methods..

Magnesium in the water that we drink

Our backs are cracked like sunrays through the gray

We still march on, although we failed the test

Now never will we know eternal rest

Those holy men who once felt God's hand touch

My swirling soul into the fire is slammed (although I really don't care for the word "slammed" in this line)

I have a lot of admiration for someone who is willing to work hard to make their writing the best it can be. Obviously you are a man doing just that and I applaud to effort and grit. The majority of your lines here are on the money, jst a little housecleaning will make this an excellent piece of work.

Best to ya



davidmerriman
Member
since 2003-04-30
Posts 123
Dallas, TX
3 posted 2003-05-23 05:41 PM


Wow, you guys are good!

This is the very first work i have started in meter; this critique is very helpful, especially the editing.

I never thought about the extra words cheapening the poem, but it's very true. It's something i need to work on.

well, time to write some more! thanks again.

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
4 posted 2003-05-23 10:53 PM


Hey David, sounds like you are picking it up reallu quick. One more point should then be added related to the "extra words." Those words, as Balladeer explained, as all too easy to spot. In fact, they almost jump off the page at an experienced reader. Something that may be a little more subtle is he use of adjectives and adverbs, when used for the same purpose. It is true that they are more than important parts of speach but with only slight overuse in poetry, they too become fill words. Although you cannot and even should not try to eliminate these modifiers, your poetry will be much stronger if you use stronger nouns and even verbs wherever possible instead.

(Hi Mike. Good to see you in CA again.)

Pete

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

5 posted 2003-05-24 01:37 PM


Hi,

I'm not here to critiqe...I think that's been taken care of, but I would like to tell you that I had no idea about any kind of meter till I joined this forum a few years ago. I was taught how to write sonnets, after stuggling a bit. Pete here is the greatest at those, both writing them and critiquing them. Good luck to you.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
6 posted 2003-05-24 06:48 PM


Hiya, Pete! Something about the allure of iambic draws me.....plus the fact I haven't seen Brad around!
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