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the air of time
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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the air of time |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land 
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wrinkles invisible to each others eyes the soft dove that caressed the light of disguise old cobbled hair tangling in one another but who cares? they loved each other. Three generations onwards the child that they loved grew up on biscuits, on sugar and cold but the flame that once had burned with desire was still there, sparkling with power. She died on a spring day and he watched at her grave he waited and stared so that time despair shave Never did she come by, aureoled by white flare but still the old candle, burned with despair. CT~7th October 2002 "more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you" |
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| © Copyright 2003 Claire Lucille - All Rights Reserved | |||
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davidmerriman Member
since 2003-04-30
Posts 123Dallas, TX |
desire and power do not rhyme It's a nice poem, although I didn't find anything remarkable about it for good or for bad. |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
yes, the original line was "stronger than a flicker" but rhymes do annoy me...as it does in this poem to a degree... thanks for the input! Claire x "more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you" |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Then why don't you simply try not to rhyme? It seems to me that you put your work down a fair bit...why?  K |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
hmm...Ok Severn! I'll have another stab back to the working desk...  "more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you" |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
If you are going back to the working desk some hints: fewer adjectives less Romantic pretention look at your punctuation look at your verse structure Know much about freeverse? - because if you're abandoning the rhyme, that's what it'll turn out to be I imagine. Hopefully not a bunch of non-rhyming sets of lines in a rhyming verse structure.. K |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
well I usually do freeverse this was my first attempt at rhyme... |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Coolies...will you put your rewrite here? Wouldn't mind seeing it.. K |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
Ok, my first draught, I don't know why I'm finding it very hard to stay away from whymes with this one... the bells chime, time to wed? another on a list waiting to be crossed. Yet, the unsullied youngs Seem to mock the noughts that lie Just as time grows by, And history leaves its line, Deep and withered, but invisible yet, As the soft dove that passes, Glazes over their eyes. A child came, then two then three, Till a spring day she died And the one shadow clear Disappeared, To deride, those who call love not blind. "more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you" |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
2nd draught (grr...not going well lol) the bells chime, time to wed? another on a list, waiting to be crossed. Yet, the unsullied young Seem to mock the noughts that lie Just as history leaves its line, Timing dear skin, Driving deeper in their soul... Yet, invisible to each, Imperfect mirror, As the soft dove that passes, Glazes over their eyes. Till a spring day she died And the one shadow clear Disappeared, To deride, those who call love not blind "more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you" |
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